Guys, we need to talk about that Sonic The Hedgehog movie trailer

Oh, sweet sweet Sonic, what have they done to you? The world was recently exposed to a preview of a live-action film adaptation of the classic Sega series, and from everything with seen (and cringed) so far, it looks… bad. One can only pray to the video game gods that it won’t be Super Mario Bros-level of bad. 

Sure, we’re judging it all from Sonic the Hedgehog’s first trailer, but the first glimpse of the flick didn’t exactly give the internet any glimmer of hope that it’ll do justice to the beloved Sega speedster. In lieu of familiar Sonic foundations like springs, ramps, loops and fellow anthropomorphic animal companions, what we got instead was military involvement, Flash-like electric effects, Quicksilver-esque time-stop scenes, Jim Carrey being Jim Carrey, and a groan-worthy bit about child kidnapping. Parks and Recreation’s Ben Schwartz will be voicing the snarky blue hero, while old Cyclops James Marsden will be playing his cop buddy. 

We haven’t even gotten into Sonic himself, who — weirdly enough — doesn’t get significant screen time in his own movie trailer. But perhaps that’s for the best, considering his too-human body proportions, off-putting fur, and gloveless hands (though he still has his iconic red sneakers).

And that teeth. Good grief, those gnashers. 

We’ll have till November 8 to keep wondering just exactly how bad Sega’s first foray into films will be (other games like Shinobi and Golden Axe are apparently in production). Meanwhile, we have a couple of questions that you might be wondering too. 

• Is Sonic still considered a hedgehog? 
• Is Sonic considered naked? 
• Is Sonic an alien now? 
• If he can dodge a million missiles, how is Sonic not fast enough to dodge a dart gun? 
• Is Ben Schwartz doing okay? 
• Why does Sonic’s fur (or are they hedgehog quills) spark electricity? 
• Are the gold rings portals now?? 
• Will Dr. Robotnik eventually assume his ultimate orb-like form? 
• Is that last shot of the trailer the Mushroom Hill Zone? 
• Will this movie and Detective Pikachu be the beginning of a Smash Bros live action flick?
• Will Sonic’s teeth be the ones that will eventually devour the world’s soul? 
   

ilyas@asiaone.com