'I used to hide he's my child': Liu Lingling feels guilty about having son at 50

When a new life is brought into the world, it's usually a happy occasion — but for getai veteran Liu Lingling, she was in a state of disbelief when she became pregnant at age 50.

"I couldn't believe that I was carrying a baby in me," the singer-actress said. "The reality of it finally dawned on me when I was eight months pregnant."

Lingling, now 59, had been pregnant before but unfortunately miscarried. Being pregnant again at the advanced age made it even more difficult to safely deliver a child, so she felt insecure throughout her pregnancy.

Her son Caleb was conceived through in-vitro fertilisation and is now eight years old. Lingling had kept the identity of his father a secret for five years before revealing in 2018 the baby daddy to be her husband Qiu Jinhai. 

After giving birth to Caleb, she also knew that the time she has to spend with him won't be long and that made her feel guilty.

Lingling shared her thoughts about her son and their future together during a camping trip in the first episode of the new meWATCH variety show A Night Under The Stars hosted by Darren Lim.

She explained while holding back tears: "I used to hide that he's my child. I'm an older mum. I try to film more videos with my family.

"I want to document as much as possible so that he can experience our love for him even if we're no longer by his side. I want him to know that my love for him far exceeds anyone else's."

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She's been making baby steps towards alleviating her guilt and preparing Caleb for the future.

"I want him to know that I may not be with him for the rest of his life — I'm getting older and I want to make every minute spent with him count."

She even began teaching Caleb about how transient life is since he was four years old, as she knew that being a mother at such an advanced age would mean that she needed to "prepare him for the harsh realities of life".

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"I told him that Daddy and Mummy will die of old age some day. I asked if he's afraid to be alone in this world and he said he's not afraid.

"I know he's trying to make me feel better. One day he ran up to me and said, 'I don't want you or Daddy to die' and he was crying as he hugged me," Lingling recalled.

For a veteran actress like her, her schedule can be very packed and it's also difficult to find time to spend with her son. The Covid-19 pandemic became a blessing in disguise.

"It was only during the circuit breaker when the pandemic started that I felt closer to him," Lingling said. Prior to that, she didn't feel confident answering people's questions about her son's likes and dislikes.

While spending more time with Caleb has helped, Lingling also shared that she's crafted a song for him which he can listen to when she's no longer around, so Caleb can know how much his mother loves him.

Darren, 49, added: "Lingling has had such a difficult journey. My heart aches when she harps about being an older mum.

"But I don't view her as an older mum caring for her child — she tries to be a friend when educating her child … She saves the best for her child and hopes to set an example, so that they can live a wonderful life."

READ ALSO: Liu Lingling appears on TV together with husband and son for the first time

khooyihang@asiaone.com