PUBLISHED ONApril 03, 2024 5:43 AMByYeo Shu HuiDuring the worst stage of her depression, Hong Kong actress Carman Lee did not leave her home for a week, not bathing, brushing her teeth, changing her clothes or combing her hair.
"The scary thing is that I didn't feel like I was unkempt, I didn't think it was a problem," she said in a conference for influential women organised by Chinese company Phoenix New Media yesterday (April 2).
Carman, who turns 58 in August and is best known for playing Xiaolongnu in martial arts drama The Return of The Condor Heroes (1995), said she had depression in 2009 and she battled it for six to seven years.
She shared that it started because of the pressure she faced during and after her decade-long relationship with wealthy businessman Guo Yingquan, who was 20 years older than her, between 1998 and 2008.
Carman mentioned in her book in 2020 that she chose to stick with Guo through thick and thin and took care of his family, with marriage in mind. Despite that, Guo had no intentions of marrying her and initiated a break-up every year.
In her speech yesterday, Carman shared that at the time, she was living in a society where there were many social norms imposed on women.
"I was living under the media's malicious interpretations as well as comments from strangers. 'Your boyfriend has been with you for 10 years, doesn't want to marry you and give you a name. You are so old, you have never been married and have never given birth to a child. As a woman, you are a failure!'
"To be honest, these voices did hurt me then. I was indeed very affected by it and was very unhappy then," she said, adding that she began to doubt herself.
Carman also shared that because of that relationship, she sacrificed a lot of bonding time with her own family, often not showing up at family gatherings, but her parents had never blamed her.
She said: "This led me to become more depressed and sad because I know that in their minds, they felt sorry for me. This lasted for 10 years and my guilt and self-blame became deeper. I was angry at myself, I hated myself, why am I so useless?"
The final straw came when Carman's father became ill and died after a year.
She said: "I moved from guilt and self-blame to punishing myself… I let depression bring me into its dark abyss".
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She recounted the difficulties that she went through during the period.
"I felt like a robot, going through the motions of eating, sleeping and being forced to breathe. I was forced to breathe, I didn't want to… It felt like nothing else in this world mattered to me anymore."
Carman also shared that she once stuffed herself with two Swiss rolls, not because she thought they were delicious, but because she was unaware of her actions.
"I just stuffed myself bit by bit, until I vomited it all out and sat in front of the toilet bowl, crying loudly. I asked myself why I would be using things that I used to like to punish myself," she recalled.
She also spoke about a number of incidents which her family did not know of.
Carman said: "I lived on the 27th storey at the time and would frequently stand on my balcony and look downwards, unsure of what I was looking at. I would be cutting fruits and would raise the knife suddenly and speak to the sharp blade.
"I had also driven to the cemetery in the middle of the night, staying there in a daze until the police came and I ran away."
She said she was so controlled by her depression that she could only accept it. But she also realised that depression is like an "antagonist" who would "torture" her when she is feeling unhappy. But when she is happy, it will retreat.
Carman expressed: "By understanding this, I should not give up on any opportunities that make me happy. I would magnify each small bit of happiness I received, even if it was just eating a piece of sweet and setting my negative feelings aside."
She also got closer to her family and friends and turned to fitness training, which helped her overcome depression.
With these experiences, Carman said she was lucky to find her own strength and will to live again and not be trapped by her past relationship.
She added: "I feel that I am very brave to have beaten depression and am thankful to the doctors, my family and friends who love me. Most importantly, I must also thank myself."
Carman said women should also learn to be independent, even if they have a partner.
"For me, who is just 58, I am still not married and hadn't given birth … Even if I have to strive alone, I should maintain my inner vitality. I am alone but I am not lonely," she said.
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