'Why did you save me?' Mickey Huang opens up on suicide attempt and journey to '3.0' version of self

When news broke on the morning of June 19 that popular Taiwanese host Mickey Huang had allegedly sexually harassed an internet celebrity named Zofia more than a decade ago, he was ready to die.

After making three videos where he admitted to the accusations implicitly and accused 18 other Taiwanese celebrities for their scandalous wrongdoings, Mickey uploaded it on Facebook, scheduling it to be published at noon that same day.

It was 10am then, and he then attempted suicide by inflicting knife injuries on himself. It was reported previously that he was found by his wife, actress Summer Meng, with injuries on his left arm and chest and was sent to the hospital.

In a 21,000-word Facebook post on late Wednesday (July 19) night, the 51-year-old made his first social media post since the career-ending news broke one month ago, writing that he wrote it "100 per cent from his heart".

At the beginning of the post, Mickey wrote: "Today, I am here to solemnly say sorry to the people and things mentioned in the video that day. Sorry… Don't forgive me, it's all my fault."

'I don't want anything anymore'

Mickey wrote that before June 19, he had already felt uneasy, so he started to cherish his time with his 31-year-old wife and their daughter, nicknamed Little Corn and who just turned one year old, by spending as much time as they could together.

He wrote: "I seized the opportunity and took my wife and daughter to have a big meal, to go for a walk in the park and go shopping after getting off work. I want to leave a trace of good times. And when it reached the tipping point, it was enough for me to let go of everything."

He wrote he researched on how to end his own life that fateful morning.

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Mickey wrote: "When I reached the critical point on that day, my EQ disappeared. It was a difficult state of mind to describe. I don't like that about myself either. The point is, I didn't want anything anymore."

"I firmly believed that only by destroying myself could I redeem my sins, including the wrong behaviour and words in the past and that day. There was no hesitation and I didn't waver," he added.

Mickey also claimed that Summer seems to be "telepathic", as she had left her meeting quickly to look for him without knowing anything or watching his confession videos at all.

He said: "She said afterwards that she broke the door with brute force that day and calmly reported [to the authorities] after checking on me. She also called my name beside my ear. I think I can recall hearing her voice, but it seemed unreal."

'Why did you save me?'

When Mickey woke up at the hospital that evening, he wrote that everything seemed to be in slow motion — his thoughts, actions and speech.

He added in his latest post that he looked at Summer and started crying. The first thing he said to her was: "Why did you save me?"

Mickey also shared that when he was in the hospital, he had a lot of tubes inserted into his body and he was totally incapacitated.

At some point, he remembered his daughter and started sobbing weakly as he said her name.

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Mickey wrote: "The words that I couldn't speak are, 'Daddy is really terrible. I'm sorry, you will have to bear the burden of this negative impression of your father in the future'."

In the first few days when Mickey returned home from the hospital, he shut himself in his bedroom and cut his hair short.

He shared: "I couldn't live normally. My thoughts and movements were still slow. I would look out the window and imagine the fresh air and my favourite sunshine, watching the trees blowing in the wind and even watching my own skin close-up. I spent my days in a daze for a long time. To reflect? To be upset?"

He also thought to himself: "Why am I here? I don't want anything anymore! Why must I face or think about tomorrow?"

Mickey also wrote that he only allowed himself to see his daughter for 10 minutes every day.

"I don't want to pass on negative energy to her, and I don't want to show her such a father. I know I was going to pull myself together, but there was no deadline," he shared.

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'The body of a 50-year-old and the emotions of a five-year-old'

Mickey also recounted that he contacted veteran television host and close friend Chang Hsiao Yen, 74, after he was discharged from the hospital to confess everything that he had done. He cried for two hours in the phone conversation.

He wrote: "Every day, at any time, when I suddenly couldn't think and started to have huge and complex emotions, I would cry in seconds, just like what Hsiao Yan later described, that I had 'the body of a 50-year-old and the emotions of a five-year-old'."

He also thanked her for providing her support and assistance to him and his wife during the period.

'I can only use the rest of my life to make up for it'

As Mickey wrote the post, he realised that it is Summer's birthday today (July 20) and felt sorry for not being able to take good care of her.

He added, as a tribute to her: "I must make my appearance steadily at this moment. Happy birthday to you. My promise to be a better husband and father is the only gift I can give you now."

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Mickey also wrote that he understands the sacrifice that his wife had made by cancelling and pulling out of her work so that she could spend time with him. He hopes that she can restart her career again and pleaded for others to support her.

"I can only use the rest of my life to make up for it. My beautiful, kind, brave, understanding, invincible and strong wife," he wrote, adding that his wife and daughter made him a stronger person.

'I just want to repair the rest of my life'

Nearing the end of his post, Mickey apologised again.

He also promised to be a "better person and not hurt others" and wished to live as a new self again.

Mickey wrote: "I, Mickey Huang 3.0, will march on with the little love left for me. The glory I once had has turned into ashes, but I will keep it firmly in mind and turn it into fuel, so that the journey can begin again.

"I don't expect too much, but just want to repair the rest of my life."

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yeo.shuhui@asiaone.com

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