2021 anti-social guide to surviving Chinese New Year

Never even leave your house

With Singapore's Chinese New Year 2021 festivities seeing social restrictions at play , this Year of the Metal Ox is arguably a misanthrope's dream (and a nightmare for socially-energised folks).

We can't guarantee that the intrusive, personal, or downright rude questions won't come via your family WhatsApp or Telegram group chats. We can, however, roll our eyes before we draft a reply.

That is, until you've somehow made it into the eight pax visitor cut-off.

You don't need a CNY guide to know how to talk yourself out of the visiting, with a coronavirus possibly coming along uninvited. But, something needs to be done, so bridges aren't burnt.

Here are some ways you can maximise your technological flair to fulfil your social responsibilities without dealing with people.

1. Send mandarin oranges from the comfort of your couch

The practice of sending or exchanging mandarin oranges symbolises the wishing of prosperity and fortune unto the recipient. However, delivering mandarin oranges in person can be a lot of work. For the time being, you can't personally deliver beyond two households either.

You could dispense with the formality for closer contacts and do it old-school by sending an entire crate of mandarin oranges - enough to last all 15 days of CNY. 

It's not very different from buying groceries. Supermarkets with online shopping portals like FairPrice and Giant have several configurations for you to choose from. If you like variety, there's also RedMart where you can key in "mandarin oranges" and be spoilt for choice.

If a crate isn't feasible, you could have the oranges delivered to your abode, and use the GrabExpress option in your Grab app to have exactly one pair of mandarin oranges couriered. Alternatively, there are local small businesses that specialise in sending pairs of Lukan - like Yaya.Papaya and Fruitwerkz.

If you have corporate or business relationships to maintain, you could send a slightly more impressive-looking crate. Options include Far East Flora , Fresco Pte Ltd , and many more.

2. Send all of your greetings through an app

Replacing actual face-to-face greetings with your relatives with digital alternatives is easy. Finding one that isn't cheesy, though, is the challenge. Also, the low-effort greetings you get from group chats ain't gonna cut it because you really mean it (no, really).

Your next best alternative is to design your very own CNY greeting card that you can personalise (like having beautiful, elaborate designs for the relatives you're proud to be related to, while the ones that embarrass you are getting nothing more than an ox).

There are plenty of high-quality, quick-and-easy design websites like Canva (pictured) where you can easily create a bunch of greeting cards in mere moments.

Once you're done, hit download, and save it as an image. You're free to print and mail the greetings, or send via WhatsApp/Telegram Signal, and be done with it before anyone can tell you how overachieving their offspring is.

3. Organise a mukbang-styled virtual reunion dinner

Attend your family reunion without actually attending your family reunion. With just about every school and workplace already familiar with virtual meeting apps like Zoom and Google Meet , most folks would already know how to get onto a virtual meeting.

Make it worthwhile by providing a little bit of entertainment and using a free account, so you have a cut-off time.

If you need ideas, Shopee Singapore's YouTube channel has tons of CNY-related videos you can easily emulate in the comfort of your home, be it a mukbang-styled reunion dinner, or a tidbit taste test.

However, the bigger advantage is getting to choose and decide what you eat since no one else is around to shove things onto your plate.

4. Give and receive digital angpows using DBS and PayLah! apps

If you can wirelessly and remotely pay bills, buy in-game currency, shop online, or return the money you owe, then it stands to reason that you can also give and receive digital red packets.

Local bank DBS has a semi-digital option called DBS QR Gift, which are physical gift cards with a QR code printed on them.

A user needs to collect these cards ahead of CNY, load cash into the card's QR code, and mail or send them out. In fact, it's really convenient since they can load up to 10 cards with the same monetary value, message, and expiry date, making it more convenient than traditional angpows.

If your relative 'forgot' to prepare an angpow despite your best attempts with remote celebrations, fret not. DBS has another fully-digital alternative called DBS eGift, a literal icon inside the PayLah! app.

Simply tap the gift icon, select recipient, write a message, choose an animation, and they're done. Of course, this goes both ways - there are also fewer excuses now that you can send fully digital angpows to others.

More info on DBS QR Gift and eGift features here!

No choice, you've been dragged to the family reunion

Okay, the plan to stay at home entirely has backfired and your now a visitor at another household. Now what? Well, you can still try to avoid as much face time as possible.

1. Quickly identify the correct Chinese term for addressing relatives

Unlike the English equivalent of greeting your relatives where you tag "in-law" to people related by marriage, the Chinese system uses a detailed naming format that accurately identifies the exact relation, down to their seniority and birth-sex. 

 The 姨媽姑姐 - Relative Title Calculator app is here to help, although you’ll need to know some Chinese to use it. All you need to do is punch in the order in which the two of you are related, and the app will spit out the correct title.

The calculator-style interface is pretty intuitive, so you’ll want to have this with you the next time you have to navigate the treacherous waters of your pesky, multi-generational family.

Get it here!

2. Outsource auspicious greetings to an app

When tossing the yusheng (lohei) or generally wishing well onto others, the much-uttered CNY auspicious phrases don't really see much variance.

So if you're keen on saving your saliva, or if you're conscious about being unnecessarily loud, try the Lohei Butler by Lianhe Zaobao and Chinese Media Group.

Lohei Butler is one of several browser-based CNY soundboards circulating of late, since you technically cannot even mention auspicious phrases when near food for the time being.

To save yourself from additional headache, share this little helper with others so your phone or smart device won't be commandeered by nosey relatives at the dinner table.

Check it out here!

3. Fake a call to get away from awkward conversations

Faking a phonecall to escape an awkward conversation is an all-time classic move, but how do you pull it off convincingly? If you use an iPhone, Fake Call Plus is a lifesaver.

 In addition to tapping a button to immediately initiate the fake ring, you can schedule it to call you at a specified time. Heck, you can even add an audio track to make it sound like the other party is talking when you answer the call. 

Get it here!

4. Distract hosts and guests by casting or streaming good shows

If the relatives are too nosey, make sure you come equipped with a Google Chromecast dongle for streaming - you're gonna need it, and it's gonna help a ton.

Why? Because nosey relatives cannot control themselves around good drama. What better way to distract them with a literal drama series on their telly? Plug your Google Chromecast into a USB port on the TV, borrow their Wi-Fi to set up, and start streaming from a preferred streaming app.

If you pick well, you get to go back to your phone while the hour ticks away. Before you know it, it's time to be a good guest and leave graciously.

Heck, there are at least 30 Stephen Chow movies on Netflix Singapore, and they are extremely effective at distracting people during CNY.

Of course, you'll need to purge your watch history if you're particular about having a clean feed. Don't forget to collect your Google Chromecast from the back of the TV when you're done.

If you haven't already started curating your distraction list, you can head over to Netflix or Viu to do so now.

5. If all else fails, 'comply.'

The CNY celebration guidelines are designed to strike a balance between social responsibility and harmonious merry-making.

It isn't quite the comprehensive checklist for the true germaphobe or misanthrope, so here are some personal well-being "enhancements" you can make to shorten visits or be uninvited for future ones.

Obviously, these are burn-bridge-last-resort-means-justifying-the-end ideas, and shouldn't be enacted unless you have the conviction to follow through.

• Have every person you come into contact with take their temperature regularly, for everyone's safety, of course.
• Set up a manual, personal SafeEntry-like tracker via Google Sheets on your phone, and have your hosts/visitors also declare other close contacts in the span of two weeks before and after, because you can never be too sure.
• Insist on having hand sanitisers and getting everyone sanitised regularly because of hygiene concerns.
• Personal portions of food and no communal sharing during meals, best if can sit sufficiently apart to minimise risk, since you see them only once a year.
• Above all, stick to the existing guidelines, and encourage your peers to be responsible.

This article was first published in Hardware Zone.