At 26, she jumped from 16th floor of her condo block and survived - 'for a reason'

Stacy (not her real name) was 26 when she tried to take her own life by jumping from the 16th floor of her condominium block.

It was 2011 — two years after she graduated from university in Australia — and she had just managed to break off from what she'd describe as an emotionally abusive relationship. 

Falling into a deep depression, she harboured suicidal thoughts, even though she was already seeing a psychiatrist at that time.

Her severe depression also resulted in her psychiatrist recommending that she undergo electroconvulsive therapy in 2012. The medical treatment — involving passing an electric current through to the brain — resulted in two years' worth of memory loss "before and after" the procedure, said Stacy, who declined to give her full name. Most of her memories have returned since.

However, the aggressive treatment proved futile in her case.

In an interview with AsiaOne, Stacy, now 38, shares how she was calm and methodical in planning how she wanted to die.

She remembers penning farewell notes to her family members as well as close friends.

When asked to describe what drove her to the edge, Stacy shares that it was a feeling of emptiness and pain. In another interview, she had also described being "exhausted" and feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness as she couldn't see how her situation could improve.

"It's not that I wanted to die, but I just wanted the pain to go away… When it got very bad, it was like life wasn't worth living," she'd said.

Should not have survived

By her own admission, Stacy should not have survived the 16-storey jump.

The time that passed as she waited for her brother to arrive home - she had promised him to - however allowed rescuers from the Singapore Civil Defence Force to set up a safety air cushion at the foot of the block.

Stacy recounts to AsiaOne how she was both bemused and frustrated that in the end, she'd only suffered a pair of grazed knees from the attempt, after landing on the edge of the air cushion and rolling off onto the ground.

Evidently, life had other plans in store for her. 

"Even the doctor at the hospital said that it's probably the first time that he hasn't seen any injury after a fall from that height," Stacy explains.

She adds: "He shared that even people who fell from the fourth floor have died, so for me not to get a single [serious] injury, it's very uncommon. He also told me that there's a reason [for this] and 'it's not a matter of luck'. But of course at that time I didn't believe him."

Finding healing

Stacy credits the beginning of her healing process to a psychotherapist she found with whom she had a rapport.

She adds: "Fortuitously, I also found a psychiatrist who was essential in titrating my medication and really finding out what worked, what did not work, and got it down to a fixed set of manageable doses."

Besides therapy, healing for Stacy also came through her own "inner work" and the support of her loved ones, including her mother and brother, whom she's extremely close to.

"I used to tell my mum how I felt very useless having this depression and only being able to work part-time. But they were proud of the things that I did, such as being a teacher to autistic children. They said that not everyone can do it," says Stacy.

"My mum also always told me that the most important thing is to have a good heart. She doesn't care how much I'm making."

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By 2018, Stacy was "in a much better place" mentally, though she adds that she still experiences "low moods" from time to time, but manages it through exercise.

However, "exercise", in her books, is way more hardcore than simply going to the gym.

In 2018, Stacy turned all her focus and energy to training for triathlons.

Why triathlons? We had to ask.

"I've always felt that triathletes were very tough mentally and strong physically. That always appealed to me," explains Stacy, who used to be in her school's track and field team.

The recreational athlete has since competed in multiple competitions locally and across the globe, including her longest 70.3 Ironman races in Mexico and Sri Lanka.

Not only did she power through the months of training and races while under antidepressant medication — which caused her to feel drowsy for most of the day — she didn't let her fear of open waters stop her either.

"I think what [competing in triathlons] gave me was a bit more hope, by accomplishing things that I wanted to do but initially thought I could not do. It also gave me the determination and resilience to do what I have to do to get what I want, even when it's difficult," she muses.

The focus on training and competing was just the panacea she needed.

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Finding peace

Besides finding solace in sports, peace and fulfilment for Stacy come "in bits and pieces", such as when she moved to New Zealand for several years in 2016. "I found the environment very soothing," she says.

Meaning was also gleaned through her work with special-needs children at a private school here before that. She was hired by the principal in a mall when she helped to calm an autistic four-year-old child who was having a meltdown by enveloping him in a warm embrace.

Reflecting on her work experience, she says: "Working with those kids gave me meaning. Random moments when they are having a good period and you see them smile, that also made me happy," she shares.

To Stacy, having hope for the future is "the greatest motivator for living".

"You can feel all the pain and emptiness, but as long as you have hope that something will change or maybe it will get better, it will keep the person from acting out on it. Trust that god has a better plan for you, even if you can't see it now," she affirms.

Her current work as a volunteer for the Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore (Minds), since 2016 under the Appropriate Adult Scheme for Persons with Mental Disabilities (AAPMD), has also imbued her life with greater purpose.

There, she attends to police cases involving individuals with mental or intellectual disabilities, either as victims or suspects. The job involves bridging the gap between these individuals and investigators who might "lack the experience and knowledge of mental and intellectual disabilities and its possible manifestations". It is also an area of work that has given her a fulfilling sense of how her life has "come full circle".

She elaborates: "As an AA I would rephrase questions or reenact what had happened, basically building rapport with the individual being questioned in order for them to feel safe and increase the likelihood that the information extracted is as credible and as accurate as possible."

Not only that, she has also recently embarked on a new phase in her life as a life coach, becoming a beacon of hope for others.

"The inner work I've done, pursuing a certificate in counselling and life coaching as well as my own trial by fire, enables me to help others heal. Because I have been there. And I know how lonely, painful and dark it gets.

"Everyone has magic in them, I strongly believe that, and I want to help others realise that a better life is possible."

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How to help someone who's depressed

As someone who's been through the worst and pulled through, Stacy has some advice to those who wish to help their loved ones who are going through their own mental health challenges.

She advises: "Do not dismiss or diminish their suffering, even if you do not understand. Check in on them, even if they might look okay on the outside. Let them know you are there for them. Or sometimes just listening and providing a non-judgmental, loving and supportive space goes a long way. Know that they are doing their best. Get them help from a professional."

She also reminds those who're struggling that "there is no shame in seeking help, and it does not make one weak".

Despite her struggles and how her life has seemingly taken "a giant detour", there's nothing that Stacy would change about her past.

"Everything happens for a reason" is an adage that Stacy has come round to.

"I think from where I am at now, I would say I don't have any regrets going through what I did because it means I'm able to have the unique perspective of a coach that has gone through severe clinical depression, and am well placed to help others who are struggling to manage it and guide them towards a path of healing and recovery."

When asked what she would tell her younger self, she's surprised to find herself falling back on words her brother had told her during those dark times.

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"Ironically, what I would tell my younger self is what my brother always told me — which used to irritate me — that someday, I would look back and realise that going through all that was so I could help people later on. That, as inconceivable as it might seem, there will be better days.

"It is very difficult when you are in the depths of hell, to conceive the notion of not feeling so desperately terrible, so much overwhelming pain, that you just want it to stop. I don't think people realise how hard it is to carry on with and how much strength it takes for that person to just pull themselves out."

Having said that, tending to one's emotional and mental health is a lifelong journey, even for Stacy.

"I still have bad days. It is just that the way I manage myself now is a far cry from how I used to manage it. I have depression, it is a condition, but it does not define me or my self-worth. I am at peace with it and confident in my own skin, because I realised that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and when I want something, I am unstoppable and am capable of getting whatever I want and deserve."

Stacy also realises that she is "very blessed" to have the support and encouragement of her loved ones and people around her.

"I am very blessed to have a supportive family, and have much gratitude for other people integral in my healing such as my doctors and life coach."

She adds: "You can't control what cards you are dealt, but you can choose how you want the story to continue."

A fake name has been used for privacy.

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candicecai@asiaone.com

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