Children or parents' mental wellbeing - which comes first?

As parents, you naturally want the best for your children.

Oftentimes, this means that you devote the lion's share of your time and energy to your children to ensure that they enjoy the best quality of life that you can provide. That's great, but remember the age-old example of the oxygen mask theory? Don't forget that if you want to raise happy and healthy children, it starts with you being the happiest and healthiest you can be!

Here's what our expert, Dr Ong Mian Li, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist at NTUC First Campus (NFC), wants you to know about your mental well-being and how you can look after it.

Here's why parents' mental well-being is often compromised

Your daily caregiving activities typically range from ferrying your children back and forth from school, helping them with their educational and developmental needs, meal preparation, scheduling their appointments, managing finances, grocery shopping, and so much more.

It's all in a day's work and it can feel incredibly rewarding to go to bed every night knowing you've done so much.

Having said that, Dr Ong explains that it is also physically and psychologically exhausting.

"Caregivers are so focused on caring for their children that they forget one of the most important things they can do is to take care of themselves. To avoid being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caregiving, it is important to balance the demands of your life."

He adds that as parents and caregivers you face new challenges every day.

Some of these challenges include additional demands and responsibilities that you may take on, adjustments that may have affected your lifestyle, and unexpected circumstances that are just beyond your control.

As such, it is not uncommon for you to feel resentful, guilty, isolated and even experience physical symptoms of stress. That's why self-care is of paramount importance.

Dr Ong emphasises, "It is not selfish to focus on your own needs and desires. It is, in fact, essential to take care of yourself so that you have the emotional and physical energy to care for others."

Here are some specific steps Dr Ong recommends to help you recognise, understand, and manage the challenges you face as a caregiver:

1. Recognise the common signs of stress

More often than not, you may be so caught up in caring for your children that you only start to realise that you are stretched thin when you experience symptoms of too much stress. These include:

• Overwhelming feelings of anger, frustration or anxiety regarding a loved one's needs or the daily caregiver routine
• Frequent headaches, backaches, or colds
• Insomnia
• Increased use of alcohol, over-the-counter or prescription drugs or other substances
• Feelings of grief, hopelessness or depression
• Diminished sense of humour
• Loss of interest in your usual activities
• Periods of crying or other emotional outbursts
• Lack of attention to your own physical health (over- or under-eating, avoiding exercise, allowing yourself to become physically run-down, etc.)

At this point, Dr Ong wants you to pause and ask yourself if you have experienced one or more of these symptoms. There is no shame in acknowledging these symptoms. In fact, the first step to self-care and guarding your mental well-being is acknowledging that it has been compromised!

"Identifying the warning signs of too much stress can help you recognise and deal with the causes of those signs. Then, you can make changes before becoming too overwhelmed."

2. Identify your sources of stress

Now that you know what stress looks and feels like, it's time to identify what causes it. Common examples of sources of stress include:

• Having too much to do
• Uncertainty in what the future holds
• Family disagreements
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Inability to say "no"

3. Categorise your sources of stress

Dr. Ong advises that once you have identified sources of stress in your life, you can sort the stressors into groups and decide on the best thing to do.

For example, if you have too much to do and too little time, you can ask for help. Learning to anticipate your stressors is the foundation of good stress management. Importantly, identify the sources of stress that are within your control.

4. Managing your stress: Making an action plan

A good place to start would be by changing things that are within your control. Think about the changes you are most motivated to make or that seem most doable. Then, it's time to come up with an action plan that looks something like this:

Do remember to set SMART goals. SMART goals should be:

• Specific (simple enough to understand, and significant to you).
• Measurable (so that you know if you have met your goal).
• Achievable (attainable).
• Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resource-, results-based).
• Time bound (time-specific, time-sensitive)

Dr Ong explains that breaking your tasks down prevents you from being overwhelmed and would help you see clearer the end objective and outcomes of each priority.

Reach out to trust communities for support

Dr Ong acknowledges that it's hard to talk about your feelings, but sharing concerns and challenges with a trusted community helps relieve stress and build resilience.

Many of the concerns you are facing may not have short-term solutions. So sometimes, it's not just about finding solutions, but also about being supported emotionally. Finding that trusted community to do so is also very important.

One such community is NTUC First Campus (NFC) Child Support Model that was first started in 2016. What initially started out as an initiative to support children from low-income and vulnerable families, now includes mental well-being initiatives.

One of the main initiatives is a new series of workshops launched as part of a broader initiative to focus on caregivers' mental well-being. These workshops are conducted by Dr Ong himself.

Dr Ong shares, "As part of my work at NFC, I have conducted workshops to equip Child Enabling Executives, who engage with many of such caregivers who face #caregiver burnouts, with the skills to engage parents and offer the right support when needed.

"NFC employs the Child Support Model, which is a holistic, multi-pronged approach to support children with financial or developmental needs. Beyond support for the children in these families, support is also given to their families, which are often the caregivers for the children.

"For example, in-house Child Enabling Executives, attached to identified families, can check in daily with the families on how they are doing. We should not underestimate the importance of check-ins as it allows us to identify the issues parents may face and provide timely help."

Self-care for the win

It's also important that you practise the most basic form of self-care – taking care of your health. Eat mindfully and healthily instead of for convenience, exercise, relax, limit substances and get your health screened regularly.

Don't underestimate the power of taking some time off for yourself as well. Whether it's a walk close to nature or a spa session, do what works for you and set aside time and space to make yourself the priority!

Last but not least, don't forget that it takes a village to raise a child. Your village is out there, so reach out when you need help. If your child has severe behavioural issues, they may need extra help so don't hesitate to seek professional help.

Mums and dads, remember, parenting is a marathon and not a sprint so don't burn yourselves out too soon. The road ahead is long and your end point is to raise happy and healthy children, so you need to be a happy and healthy parent first!

ALSO READ: Are you fond of criticising your kid? Here's what it can do to their self-esteem

Ong Mian Li, Ph.D. is a clinical child and adolescent psychologist currently consulting with NTUC First Campus to enhance mental health and well-being efforts.

He has over ten years of experience treating families and children, including those with mood, anxiety and developmental disorders.

He most recently completed a postdoctoral medical psychology fellowship at Mayo Clinic in the United States, where he collaborated with medical teams to treat complex pediatric psychophysiological issues.

This article was first published in theAsianparent.