Dating with ADHD: Toeing the line between disability and responsibility this World Mental Health Day

I'll always remember the moment I got my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis.

After facing accusations of laziness, battling self-doubts and self-belittlement, then fighting a medical system that seemed determined to leave ADHD to the kids, I suddenly had the word of a professional that all my mess-ups and dysfunctional failings were not a reflection of my inherent worth, but of a disability.

It was immensely relieving, both to have that retroactive comfort, and because it meant I could cut myself some slack.

I could forgive myself for not washing the dishes or for losing that wallet, and life became significantly less stressful once I accepted these problems as inevitable.

Then, I met my partner.

Suddenly, allowing these mishaps to happen didn't just affect me – it affected both of us.

I may not have the mental energy to do the dishes, but the dishes still have to be done. My partner became worn down by the additional emotional and physical labour that resulted from my messes.

And it isn't just us –multiple posts on forums such as r/ADHDPartners are made daily from people drowning from the burden that they found themselves with because they loved someone with ADHD.

As Dr Tsao I Ting, a clinical psychologist who has kindly offered her expertise on the topic, says, "Many partners of people with ADHD feel lonely and parentified, as they feel that they have pick up after their other half.

"They almost feel like they have become a parent to their partner, when typical expectations of adult relationships is that both parties take care of each other."

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But the physical side is far from the end of it. While not recognised as a separate disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), many have noted what they term rejection sensitivity dysphoria within those with ADHD.

"It essentially means that an extreme sensitivity to rejection and the corresponding pain is severe and hard to cope with," adds Dr. Tsao.

Difficult enough to deal with on your own – as I myself can vouch for – but for a partner, these intense emotional reactions can feel almost like abuse, making it very difficult to differentiate between the unintentional consequences of the condition, and intentionally hurtful behaviour.

It makes being understanding and forgiving infinitely complex and highly risky.

As Dr. Tsao explains, "[S]ymptoms of ADHD such as being inattentive or distracted, disorganisation, impulsivity, can create multiple issues in relationships."

It's a tricky situation all around. It's not your fault, but it kind of is.

You can't help the oversight, the forgetfulness, or the emotionality that comes with your condition, but it is really up to you to learn to manage it for the sake of others around you.

Your partner will more than likely build up some resentment from the problems past and those that slip through your management, and you have to accept and forgive them. So, what then?

Dr Tsao says, "Emotional regulation issues are best addressed through psychotherapy, which is talk therapy. Thus far, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) has the strongest evidence while other modalities such as mindfulness, dialectical behaviour therapy and neurofeedback shows some good empirical support."

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It's tiring, I know. It's much more tiring for us than for neurotypical people.

Navigating the minefield that is ignoring your instinctual emotions to avoid rejection sensitivity dysphoria-driven overreactions as well as needing to differentiate between reasonable resentment and cruel vitriol from your partner is a nightmare all on its own. 

Medication drains you, and even making sure you get to your therapy appointments on time is a pain.

We've finally learned not to be so hard on ourselves, only to now realise the consequences of being too soft instead. But if you love and trust your partner, it's more than worth it.

If you have ADHD and see your relationship reflected in what's written here, pick up your partner's favourite snack on your way home.

Take a break from your hyperfixations and watch their favourite movie together. Direct your focus to them.

ADHD gave you the obsessive affection that sparked the flame, but it's up to you to keep your loved one from getting burnt.

This article was first published in City Nomads.