'Men are less detail-oriented': TikTok couple breaks down if Singaporean men are lazy in relationships

Are Singaporean men really less romantic than their female counterparts?

That is the question posted to TikTok celebrity couple Fabian Gilbert and Deborah Kwek when they appeared as guests on a podcast hosted by DJ Sonia Chew. 

In a YouTube video posted earlier this month, the couple, who is expecting their first child, were invited on the Men, Explained podcast to talk about their views on Singaporean men and romance. 

The couple met through a dating app, and Fabian was sure he wanted to marry Deborah after the first date. They eventually got married after dating for a few years, even breaking up once during their relationship.

Fabian learnt one of his biggest lessons on romance when they broke up for a month.

He shared: "I realised I had been a d*ck and I needed to change for her. I did a lot of learning and self-development. Because I love her, I need to change certain aspects of myself, like my laziness and attitude towards her. "

He cited the example of making cup noodles, a cup of coffee and taking walks with Deborah, and it happened that she appreciated such daily gestures as "romantic".

After some effort, he realised Deborah is easy to please, and that "simple things can be romantic".

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Both also acknowledged the importance of understanding their partner's personality and love language in order to do anything romantic for them.

For Fabian, his idea of romance is "when Deborah takes interest in my interests, like playing video games… and when she is spontaneous, like watching Game of Thrones again".

Deborah also rejected the notion that men are less romantic, partially due to the fact that Fabian is the more romantic between the two of them.

Fabian attempted to explain why men may be perceived as less romantic: "Men are lazy to plan… they don't know what to do, we really don't know."

And when he Googled for guidance, he felt that it threw up generic answers which are not helpful, such as "staycation, fancy dinners".

Deborah felt that men are less detail-oriented by nature, elaborating: "It's never all men or all women (who are more or less romantic), but from my experience, men do seem less detail-oriented. With romance, we need details. Women may be more intuitive with details (about their partners)."

Both Deborah and Fabian also agreed that our notions of romance might have been influenced and construed by media products such as anime and dramas we grew up with, and they did find reflections of their relationship dynamics in Friends and Brooklyn Nine-Nine, for example.

Regarding giving the right presents to their partners, Fabian shared: "I can't read minds, so I'd rather she tells me what she wants."

This happened to align with Deborah, who said: "I like to be given exactly what I want, or an experience. I feel so bad (for the gifter) when I get presents I don't use or dislike."

Deborah practised what she preaches, evident by her asking Fabian what he wanted for an engagement gift, and he told her he wanted a PS5 and even gave her the exact Carousel link for it.

However, Deborah and Sonia both felt that women care if men paid attention in a relationship and thoughtful surprises are always welcome.

To end off the discussion, Deborah felt that "it was easier to be romantic at the start of a relationship". However, she admitted that it takes more effort on both sides to be romantic as time goes by.

Fabian agreed and added that constant consistent effort is needed to maintain the fire in a relationship.

In the video comments, netizens were not shy to have their views heard.

One user injected a sense of sobering realism by stating that partners break up for reasons beyond one's control. He cautions that when that happens, "there's really nothing you can do if they walk away. When that happens, you're going to regret doing the maximum".

Another person recognised that our upbringing could determine how we express love: "For some people, it can be a cultural thing where they are unable to be affectionate or romantic. Some people just lack experience…"

"People afraid of the girl leaving them have insecurities, so they need to address their insecurities and not date," the same user added.

One person lamented the difficulties faced by the modern man of "being exhausted from working a 45 hours week and still having to fork out energy to be romantic, not knowing if they will leave or change".

Some were more fair-minded, saying that romance should be reciprocal and that communication is essential as "people are not mind readers".

ALSO READ: Dress to impress: Content creator urges Singaporean men to match their girlfriends' fashion

jolynn.chia@asiaone.com

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