True story: "I was in an abusive relationship but didn't know it"

Like many people, I always believed that an abusive relationship was one in which there was physical abuse, like slapping, hitting or kicking. I didn’t know that a relationship was also abusive if one partner bullied, threatened, manipulated or neglected the other.

Unfortunately, that was my last relationship, but because I didn’t see my boyfriend’s treatment as abuse, I convinced myself that everything was normal and stayed with him for three years. 

Emotional abuse disguised as humour

Daniel* was a great guy — educated, career-driven and from a good family. He was also charming and fun to be around, and I liked that he was romantic, surprising me with flowers, home-cooked dinners and exotic getaways, mostly in the early days of our relationship.

I was so captivated by Daniel that when he criticised my body and the way I dressed, I reasoned that he cared about me and told myself that I had to try harder to meet his expectations.

For instance, he didn’t like me wearing short skirts and tight dresses because he thought I was trying to get attention from other guys. So, to placate him, I got rid of all my sexy, skimpy outfits and replaced them with more conservative ones.

I was also a little overweight, which Daniel often teased me about, but within a year of dating, I changed my diet, started exercising and dropped two dress sizes. Whenever my friends asked me why Daniel couldn’t accept me as I was, I told them that he just wanted me to be healthy.

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Sadly, no matter how hard I worked, Daniel still thought I wasn’t good enough and would find something else to criticise me about. Even my opinions fell short.

If I told him that I enjoyed a particular movie, for example, he’d tell me I had no taste. He made fun of everything I liked, which made me feel stupid and small.

If I didn’t share his opinion about something, he made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

In front of friends, Daniel would mock my ideas, undermine me, and dismiss my requests as ridiculous.

If I told him he was being hurtful, he’d laugh it off and call me ‘crazy’, ‘irrational’ or ‘overly sensitive’ and ask why I couldn’t take a ‘joke’.

Worn down to nothing

By my final year with Daniel, I’d become a shadow of my former self, believing that I wasn’t as smart, kind, attractive, ambitious or funny as I thought I was.

Daniel also experienced mood swings from time to time, which I didn’t hold against him, but whenever he was in a low mood he’d pick childish arguments with me and accuse me of attacking him whenever I got defensive. Whether or not I was in the wrong, somehow a problem always ended up being my fault and I’d have to apologise to him.

If Daniel felt like I’d hurt his feelings, he’d give me the silent treatment. Once, I told him that we needed relationship counselling – we hadn’t had sex in several weeks and I was feeling neglected – and he lashed out at me, calling me demanding and unreasonable. Then he walked off and ignored my calls for an entire week.

When we reconciled, he apologised for walking out on me but blamed me for his behaviour, calling me needy and demanding.

For the longest time I’d given Daniel a pass or made excuses for him, but after three years I had enough. His behaviour was unpredictable and being around him made me feel like I was walking on eggshells.

I constantly had to watch my words or justify my actions; if I said or did the wrong thing he’d get angry or upset and criticise me, provoking an argument. Sometimes, when our fights got heated, he’d threaten to leave me or challenge me to end the relationship.

Healing from emotional abuse

I knew I had to end it when I began to feel fearful of Daniel. He’d lost his charm and turned into a controlling monster. His damaging words and bullying behaviour might have made him feel better, but they wore down my self-esteem and undermined my emotional health. I’d always been a confident, outgoing and positive person but I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore.

I began to question why I was no longer thriving or happy with Daniel. Then it hit me, that even though I’d never been hit or slapped, I was being abused.

Daniel was upset when I broke up with him. I simply told him that things weren’t working between us and we’d grown apart. If I believed our relationship could be salvaged I’d have told him the truth and asked to attend counselling together, but there’d been a consistent pattern of emotional and mental abuse on his part and I knew he couldn’t change.

Now that I’m single I feel free, but it’s hard rebuilding what Daniel tore down. Looking back, the relationship made me feel insecure, confused, frustrated and anxious. Daniel’s words and behaviour might’ve sometimes been subtle but they nevertheless chipped away at my self-esteem and I began to second-guess myself.

I’m learning to stand up for myself again. I’m thankful that I walked away when I did because so many victims of emotional abuse can’t see they’re being hurt and end up emotionally damaged. During this recovery period, I’m slowly beginning to understand the sort of man I deserve. I’m also learning a lot about myself – my strengths, my worth and what I can bring to my next relationship.

Some signs of emotional abuse

• Criticism and name-calling: You can’t seem to do anything right in your partner’s eyes. He puts you down, calls you names and humiliates you in private and/or in front of others
• Guilt-tripping, shaming and blaming: Your partner blames you for his bad behaviour. He makes you feel guilty as a way to manipulate and control you
• Possessiveness and unreasonable jealousy: Your partner doesn’t like you seeing your friends and family. He goes through your text messages or emails without asking your permission first
• Unrealistic expectations: Nothing you do is good enough for your partner. He also expects you to drop everything at a moment’s notice to meet his needs and makes unreasonable demands of you
• Emotional blackmail, manipulation and control: He gives you the silent treatment or uses your fears and values as a means to control you. He tells you that if you loved him you’d listen to him
• Lack of affection and affection: Your partner withholds sex or refuses to be affectionate with you as a way of punishing you when he’s angry or in a bad mood

*Names have been changed.

This article was first published in Her World Online.