When your child is the bully: Steps to take for positive change

Learning that your child may be engaging in bullying behaviour can be both surprising and concerning.

While it's a challenging situation, it also presents an important opportunity for growth and learning. With the right approach, parents can guide their children toward empathy, respect, and kindness.

This article provides essential parenting tips for preventing bullying and practical steps to address negative behaviour constructively.

Understanding the factors that contribute to bullying behaviour in children

Several underlying factors can lead children to display bullying behaviours, often as a response to challenges in their personal or social environments.

Recognising these contributing factors can help parents address the root causes and guide their child toward healthier ways of relating to others.

• Exposure to aggression or conflict: Children who witness aggressive behaviours, either at home or in other settings, may imitate these actions as a learnt response. Conflict-heavy environments can teach children to see aggression as a way to handle difficulties.
• Low self-esteem and insecurity: Children who struggle with self-worth or insecurity may bully others as a way to feel more powerful or in control. Bullying can serve as a coping mechanism to mask feelings of inadequacy.
• Peer pressure and social dynamics: Friends or social groups can strongly influence a child's behaviour. Some children may bully others to gain acceptance, prove themselves to peers, or avoid becoming a target themselves.
• Difficulty managing emotions: Children who struggle with anger, frustration, or impulsivity may lack the tools to manage their emotions constructively. Bullying can become a release for pent-up feelings they don't know how to handle otherwise.
• Need for attention: Sometimes, children resort to negative behaviours like bullying to gain attention from parents, teachers, or peers, especially if they feel overlooked or underappreciated.

Understanding these factors provides valuable insight for addressing and correcting bullying behaviour, as well as preventing future incidents by teaching constructive ways to handle challenges.

Parenting tips for preventing bullying: Steps to take if your child is the bully

When you learn that your child is bullying others, it's natural to feel a mix of emotions—shock, concern, or even guilt.

But addressing bullying behaviour effectively involves understanding the underlying reasons, fostering empathy, and teaching positive social skills.

Here's a step-by-step guide with parenting tips for preventing bullying, helping your child learn from their mistakes, and promoting lasting change.

1. Remain calm and open to listen

Hearing that your child has bullied others can be upsetting, but staying calm will help you address the issue constructively. Show your child that you are open to understanding their perspective without jumping to conclusions or becoming overly critical.

Tips:

• Set up a safe space for conversation: Approach your child with a gentle tone and let them know that you're there to help, not just to punish.
• Ask open-ended questions: Encourage them to talk openly about what happened and why they might have behaved in certain ways.
• Listen without interruption: Give them space to express themselves fully, which can reveal underlying issues, such as social pressures or personal frustrations.

2. Identify the root causes of the behaviour

Bullying behaviour often stems from deeper issues. Identifying these causes can help you address the problem at its core. Some common causes include seeking attention, coping with personal insecurities, or reacting to stress.

Tips:

• Observe any recent changes: Has your child been experiencing stress at school, a recent move, or changes at home?
• Look for behavioural patterns: Notice if they tend to act out in specific situations or with certain people, which could indicate an underlying issue.
• Consider their environment: Children sometimes mirror behaviours they see in others, whether at home, school, or among peers.

3. Teach empathy and perspective-taking

Helping your child develop empathy is one of the most powerful ways to prevent future bullying behaviour. Encourage them to see things from another person's perspective, which fosters kindness and respect.

Tips:

• Use role-playing: Encourage your child to imagine how it would feel to be in the other person's shoes or even role-play different scenarios with them.
• Discuss the impact of bullying: Share age-appropriate stories, videos, or books about the effects of bullying to help them understand the emotional impact on others.
• Model empathy at home: Show empathy in your actions and words, as children often learn by observing their parents.

4. Set clear boundaries and consequences

It's important to establish boundaries around acceptable behaviour and outline the consequences of bullying. Consistent, fair consequences help children understand accountability and the impact of their actions.

Tips:

• Define specific consequences: For example, if your child engages in bullying, they may need to write an apology, lose privileges, or take time away from a favoured activity.
• Follow through consistently: Make sure the consequences are applied each time bullying behaviour occurs to reinforce the importance of respectful behaviour.
• Explain the reason behind the consequences: Helping your child understand why these boundaries exist can make them more likely to respect them.

5. Encourage positive social skills and activities

Positive peer interactions and self-esteem are key to preventing bullying. Support your child in developing social skills and participating in activities that promote teamwork and respect for others.

Tips:

• Promote group activities: Encourage involvement in sports, arts, or clubs where they can practise teamwork, co-operation, and respectful behaviour.
• Teach conflict resolution: Help your child develop skills to handle disagreements calmly, express their feelings respectfully, and find compromises.
• Reward positive behaviour: Acknowledge and celebrate when they treat others kindly, make friends, or handle conflicts constructively.

6. Work with teachers and school counsellors

Collaborating with school staff can give you a clearer picture of the situation and provide support for your child. Teachers and counsellors are valuable resources for reinforcing positive behaviour in school settings.

Tips:

• Request regular updates: Ask teachers or counsellors to keep you informed about your child's behaviour and any improvement they observe.
• Encourage group activities in school: Work with school staff to involve your child in activities that promote teamwork and healthy social interactions.
• Seek guidance from a counsellor: A school counsellor can provide additional tools and exercises that support your child in building empathy and self-awareness.

7. Model positive behaviour at home

Children often emulate what they see. Modelling respect, empathy, and kindness in your daily interactions helps reinforce these values in your child, creating a positive example they can follow.

Tips:

• Handle conflicts constructively: Show your child how to handle disagreements calmly, apologise when necessary, and treat others with respect.
• Express gratitude and kindness: Regularly show appreciation for others, whether through kind words, helping out, or giving compliments.
• Avoid negative talk: Refrain from speaking negatively about others, as children can pick up on and mimic this behaviour.

8. Seek professional support if needed

If bullying behaviour persists despite your efforts, it may be beneficial to consult a child psychologist or counsellor. A professional can provide personalised strategies and support tailored to your child's needs.

Tips:

• Recognise when extra help is needed: If you see persistent issues, such as anger, frustration, or difficulty empathising, professional guidance may be helpful.
• Choose a counsellor with experience in child development: A specialist in child psychology or behaviour management can offer insight and practical tools.
• Stay involved in the process: Attend counselling sessions with your child if recommended, and practise the strategies suggested by the therapist at home.

9. Reinforce positive change over time

Helping your child change takes time, patience, and consistent effort. Reinforcing positive behaviour and celebrating small improvements can motivate them to keep making progress.

Tips:

• Acknowledge growth: Celebrate your child's improvements, whether it's a kind gesture, a new friend, or a positive report from school.
• Check in regularly: Continue discussing relationships and feelings, showing ongoing interest and support.
• Keep a positive, encouraging attitude: Let your child know you're proud of their efforts to make positive changes and reassure them that change is possible.

Helping your child move away from bullying behaviour is an opportunity to teach lifelong values like empathy, respect, and accountability.

By remaining calm, addressing underlying issues, setting clear boundaries, and modeling kindness, you can guide your child toward positive change. With patience, communication, and support, parents play a critical role in helping their children grow into compassionate individuals who treat others with respect.

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This article was first published in theAsianparent.