Are Singapore weddings too transactional? Bridesmaid recounts 'terrible experience', even had to return 'gatecrash' red packets

Weddings are often hectic events, but a good set of bridesmaids and groomsmen can go a long way to lessen the load on a couple.

However, one woman took to the AskSingapore subreddit recently to share the "terrible experience" she had at her first experience as a bridesmaid, which had her wondering if local weddings were becoming too transactional.

In her Reddit post from Nov 26, she recounted that the bridesmaids arrived between 5 to 6 am at the bride's house to play the "gatecrashing" games and then returned prior to the dinner ceremony to help put up the displays, do guest registrations and collect red packets from them.

However, she listed three "worst" parts of her experience: "1. The groom gave the gate crash red packets for show, and the couple took back all red packets after the morning session. 

"2. We had to pay for the bridesmaid dresses ourselves.

"3. ⁠We only got a total of $100 in red packets from them, which was not enough to cover dresses, transport."

She added that she "understood" that bridesmaids usually get to keep the red packets from the morning session games, but because they didn't even receive enough to cover their own expenses, she only gave "an extra $20-30" in her own red packet for dinner.

"I would have given more for the above if I received more from the couple, as a way to 'return' the money back to them," she wrote.

She also claimed that the couple was "not challenged financially" as they "splurged on what made them look good" like their clothes, venue and decor.

"The couple also complained about how some guests did not give them enough red packet to cover the table costs," she continued. "The couple specifically made bridesmaids and groomsmen (those doing registration duties) to ensure that guests wrote their names on their packets — it was so embarrassing that we had to double-check and make them write or write the names ourselves."

In typical Redditor fashion, she asked "AITA (am I the a******)" or if she was demanding too much, or if this notion of seeing every red packet received as a way to "cover costs" was too transactional.

The top-rated responses to the post appeared to take the bridesmaid's side, reading: "You need new and genuine friends" and "What happened to the wedding aspect, the joy and celebration of that day?"

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"Sorry but the couple is just too cheap. I think they're seeing the wedding as a way to make money even!" the next comment read. "When I married my wife, everything was covered for all my friends, from the shirts to dresses. I even gave my bros angpaos (red packets) for the games they needed to go through at the gates.

"I saved up three years for a nice wedding, I invited all my friends, and I damn well wanted it to be memorable not just for me but for everyone involved."

However, others deemed the Redditor as transactional as well, noting her disdain for the amount the bridesmaids received, and that she shouldn't have expected her transportation and dress covered if it wasn't discussed beforehand.

"Sounds like you're looking for a part-time job rather than wanting to help out your friend and treat them on their big day," a comment read.

One Redditor tried to see both sides of the argument.

"From a bride’s POV (point-of-view), if you’re a 'true friend', you’d have done it for free. From a bridesmaid's POV, if you’re a 'true friend', you’d have been more generous with your bridesmaids," they wrote. "Both sides are making too many assumptions of what friends are supposed to be and do for each other.

"I don’t disagree that this couple is quite distasteful in their money-handling, but you also could have tried to find out if you were compensated properly if that’s very important to you, and quit if it didn't match your expectations."

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drimac@asiaone.com