'I became a mum at 52': A Singaporean's roller-coaster ride to motherhood

SINGAPORE – “Is he your grandson?”

That is the question Singaporean Suan Bailey, 53, often gets whenever she goes out with her 10-month-old son.

“I used to get upset. After all, it was a long journey for me to get to where I am today... but not any more. He is my son, and I am proud I went through the experience to have him,” the office manager told The Straits Times. 

However, she asked ST not to show her face.

“I want to share my story of how, as an older woman, I overcame all odds to have my son – the excitement, the fear and the disappointment – but I don’t want the backlash and the negativity from it,” she explained.

Mrs Bailey was among the 19 women in Singapore aged 50 or older who gave birth in 2023, reflecting the shift in the age boundary of women becoming mothers over the past 20 years.

Between 1989 and 2009, six women aged 50 or older had babies, according to the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority’s annual reports.

This number rose more than five times between 2010 and 2019, when 33 women in this age group gave birth to 41 babies.

Mrs Bailey loves children and had wanted her own since she married engineer Stephen Bailey in 2010.

“But it did not happen naturally,” said Mr Bailey, 63, who is from New Zealand.

Undeterred, Mrs Bailey, then 42, approached KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital in 2012 for in-vitro fertilisation (IVF).

At the time, a woman was allowed to undergo only a maximum of 10 cycles of assisted reproduction technology up to the age of 40. The cap was lifted on Jan 1, 2020.

“I was already over the age of 40. I felt discouraged when I was told (there was) a 35 per cent chance of successfully getting pregnant and a 50 per cent chance of miscarriage,” she said.

“My late mother also did not approve of getting a baby through IVF, so I gave up the idea of having children then.”

However, Mrs Bailey’s maternal instincts were rekindled when she visited her brother in the United States after the Covid-19 travel ban was lifted in November 2021.

“He and his wife had twin girls through IVF. They were three then, and I fell in love with them. Stephen said I cannot be so attached to other people’s children... That was when I made up my mind to have one of my own,” she said.

The arduous IVF journey

Mrs Bailey went online in search of information on IVF for women aged 45 and over.

“The only information I could find was that of a 74-year-old woman in India having given birth to twin girls conceived through IVF, but that, too, did not have much information,” she said.

“I was toying with the idea of (having) my baby through a surrogate. Stephen was dead against it because he wanted me, not another woman, to carry our son. He said it was the most important part of the journey.”

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An American colleague at the hotel where Mrs Bailey worked at the time gave her the contact of an obstetrician and gynaecologist in Bangkok who had helped her get pregnant at 45.

“She told me how good he was, and almost immediately, we flew there in 2022 after making an appointment,” Mrs Bailey said.

Then 51 years old, she was put through a preconception health regimen, for which they travelled to Bangkok five times over four to five weeks.

“I had my hormone levels increased to prepare my body for pregnancy. I also had a swollen fallopian tube treated, and my uterus cleaned up before the implantation to increase my chances,” Mrs Bailey said.

“The Thai doctor was very conservative and implanted only one embryo at a time. He felt that because of my advanced age, implanting more than one would be dangerous and if I had to remove any, it would be tough on me,” she added.

“The doctor was very meticulous, down to (matters such as) which batch the first embryo came from, before ‘defrosting’ and implanting it into my womb.”

To have enough rest and enable the transferred embryo to attach to her uterus, Mrs Bailey decided to stay put in Bangkok for a month.

Yet, the first implanted embryo failed.

About a month later, Mrs Bailey flew to Bangkok on the second day of Chinese New Year for the second round of IVF. She returned to Singapore on the same day, after the implantation.

“We were not hopeful, but we were praying for a miracle to happen, and it did. I have never been happier in my life, yet there was that fear and worry that things might go wrong,” she recalled.

She spent about $50,000 in Bangkok, including the cost of the IVF and her stay in a serviced apartment.

“The doctor in Thailand gave me the name of a gynaecologist (in Singapore) who specialises in older expectant mothers and told me that he would be taking care of me during my pregnancy,” she said, adding that the care she received as an older expectant mother in Singapore “was remarkable”.

It helped that Mr Bailey was a hands-on expectant father, making sure his wife ate well and did the right exercises, and accompanied her for her check-ups.

Typical of an older expectant woman, Mrs Bailey had conditions such as high blood pressure and high blood sugar, which made it dangerous for her to give birth.

“The risk of pre-eclampsia became real. If left untreated, this could become serious or even fatal for me and my baby. The doctor wanted to carry out the c-section early, but I bargained to keep my baby in the womb until the 36th week,” she told ST.

Pre-eclampsia is a serious blood pressure condition that usually develops after the 20th week of pregnancy. Expectant mothers with pre-eclampsia often have high blood pressure and high levels of protein in their urine.

Early delivery is often recommended in such cases, and the timing depends on how severe the condition is and how many weeks pregnant the woman is.

For Mrs Bailey, as it turned out, one night in her 35th week of pregnancy in October 2023, she felt that she could not catch her breath and had to be rushed to hospital to deliver her son.

“Remy’s lungs were not fully developed, and he was sent straight to NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) after Stephen cut the umbilical cord. He was there for six days,” she said.

Today, Remy is a healthy boy who is constantly curious about his surroundings.

Mr Bailey said: “He is particularly interested in nature – plants, birds, animals. I think he gets this from me. I grew up in nature in New Zealand.”

The couple have a domestic helper to help with the household chores and take care of Remy.

“But we often work from home to ensure that Remy knows we are there for him. I am Teochew, so I speak to him in the dialect,” said Mrs Bailey.

Her husband added: “When he is older, perhaps I will teach him Maori, French and German.”

Inevitably, older parents like the Baileys face a lot of criticism, with accusations of selfishness or putting undue pressure on themselves and their children.

“I made sure I stay away from all the negativity and enjoy our son. I genuinely believe that this is the best time to have a baby,” said Mrs Bailey.

“Having a baby at 52 was a monumental moment in my life. It felt like the greatest gift from God.”

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This article was first published in The Straits Times. Permission required for reproduction.