SINGAPORE — Regrets, she's had a few — but they don't keep Carolyn Too up at night.
Pain, however, does — a sharp stabbing pain from cancer tumours in her abdomen.
"When it gets really bad, I take an ice pack and put it on my stomach until the pain subsides," says the 48-year-old, who was told by her oncologist in May 2023 that she probably had six months to live.
As she is also a renal patient, Too takes painkillers only when the pain is unbearable, as analgesics reduce blood flow to the kidney.
After being diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2022, she went through two rounds of unsuccessful chemotherapy and an operation to remove her womb. The cancer has spread to other parts of her body.
For someone facing Death's dark gaze, the former business development manager is remarkably cheerful, chirpy even.
"When I was told I had only six months, I said: 'Okay, fine. Let's make the best of the six months.' I refuse to mope about it. I can wake up every day and say: 'I'm dying, I'm dying.' But I try not to.
"My mind at that point in time was: 'Bucket list, bucket list. What do I want?'"
Her No. 1 wish was to visit Disneyland in Los Angeles, but the distance as well as her health and medical needs — she requires dialysis three times a week — made that difficult, so she settled instead for the one in Hong Kong, in July 2023. The foodie has also made two short "eating trips" to Taipei since.
In April 2024, the divorcee also had another wish — which was not in her original bucket list — fulfilled: a living funeral.
Also known as a pre-funeral or a life celebration, a living funeral is like a unique memorial service held for a person before he or she dies.
The idea came up during a conversation with Shannon Sim, 33, her medical social worker from HCA Hospice Singapore, a charity that provides support to the terminally ill.
They were talking about Michelle Ng, a 29-year-old entrepreneur who held a living funeral with the help of HCA on Dec 23, 2023, 10 days before she died from ovarian cancer. More than 30 of Ng's friends turned up to share food, stories and memories at the gathering, which also featured a performance by Rai, a musician from her favourite local band, Jack & Rai.
HCA told the story of Ng's living funeral in an article and a Facebook post earlier in 2024. A video chronicling the event by digital channel Our Grandfather Story also went viral, attracting more than three million views on YouTube.
Although Too has already pre-planned her actual funeral, her initial reaction to a living wake was a "no".
"I needed to consider the feelings of my traditional Chinese family," says the eldest of three children of a taxi driver and a sales promoter.
The idea, however, grew on her. Not long after Chinese New Year, she called Sim.
"I said: 'Let's not call it a living funeral. Let's call it a celebration of life. There are so many reasons for me to celebrate my life. I'm still here, I can still eat when some people can't even swallow, I have so many friends who are so concerned about me. These are the little things that I should be so happy about," says Too.
"It is to showcase their love for me and my love for them. It's also another opportunity to create another memory for all of us," adds the extrovert, who posts candidly about her fight with cancer on TikTok (@carolynbelletoo).
A date — April 7, 2024 — was set. The venue: her three-room Housing Board flat in Telok Blangah, where she lives with Toffee, the 11-year-old mutt she adopted when it was just eight weeks old.
The avid karaoke fan was very specific about what she wanted: 20 of her closest friends ("not my parents or family because I don't want them to grieve twice"), a karaoke session of Mandarin and Cantonese songs ("no sad songs, only songs about friendship, happy memories and living in the moment") and canapes from The Providore cafe ("it cannot be lunch or dinner because the event is from 2pm to 5pm"). HCA volunteers also told Ms Too's friends to dress in purple, her favourite colour.
Deciding whom to invite was the toughest, she says. That is because the extrovert has a lot of friends.
"My flat is small, so I had to shortlist. These are the people who check on me and ask me if I need help or money most often — they are the ones who have impacted me and inspired me in so many ways and to whom I want to say thank you," says Too, who spent the weeks leading up to the party penning personal notes and letters to all her guests.
'I won't cry, this is a happy event'
April 7 finally rolls round. Too's "love party" is to start at two o'clock but by 1pm, a dozen people, including volunteers from HCA, have already turned up.
The flat is spick and span. Except for a sofa and several chairs, the living room has been cleared to accommodate the folks she has invited.
Rows of caps and hats in different colours line one wall. "I started the collection when I began chemotherapy," says Too. On another wall hangs a poster, its message, "Live every moment, laugh every day, love beyond words", highlighted to great effect under a pair of spotlights.
A karaoke system has been set up, along with a giant wall projection flashing photos of Too eating, singing and carousing with her friends. Adding to the festive air are champagne-coloured tinsel curtains and small balloons in red, purple and bronze.
The hostess, meanwhile, is in the bedroom, looking at herself in her handheld mirror as an HCA volunteer deftly applies make-up to her face. Sporting a chic pixie haircut, she is dressed in a black top and black slacks, because "black is slimming, mah". Laid out on her bed are two rows of envelopes containing personal letters she has written to each of her guests.
In the living room, cacophony reigns as more people turn up. Outside in the corridor, new arrivals pick up paintbrushes to add their own touches to the surprise gift HCA has prepared for Too — a painting of purple hearts and a shining sun.
Yuen Wai Lan, 49, has flown in from her home in Hong Kong that morning to be with her former colleague and good friend of 20 years.
The senior business analytics manager says: "I was so shocked when I found out about her diagnosis. She is sunshine. Why must something like this happen to such a good person?"
"When she told me about this gathering, I told myself I have to be here in person, not just to give her support but to tell her I love her," says Yuen, adding that she would be flying back after the event.
Edutech professional P.C. Ang, 46, is Too's former boss and has known her since 2008.
"Carolyn has always been the life of the party. She is very outgoing and this is quite in character for her," he says, referring to the living funeral. "I think it's quite meaningful. She sees this as a way to gather her good friends together to celebrate life and friendship, and that's a good thing."
At 2.30pm, Too emerges from her room and plonks herself into an armchair, cheerfully bellowing, "Who's on Zoom?". That jolly demeanour, however, soon cracks as she takes the mic and addresses her guests.
"I told my friends here I won't be crying because this is supposed to be a happy event."
Trying to control her tears, she continues: "Every one of you is so important to me in so many ways, including those of you who are on Zoom... The past two or three years have not been easy, but I encourage myself (to be strong) because of you guys."
The next order of business is karaoke. The first song, belted out by logistics specialist Timothy Chow, 51, is Hong Kong singer Hacken Lee's Cantonese hit Red Sun.
"Even if life is crazy, and the road is twisted and winding
If life terrifies you and you no longer feel like living
Please don't cry, or feel disheartened, don't give up
I will be by your side forever."
The numbers that follow, such as Taiwanese singer A-mei's Sisters, are equally uplifting, celebrating love, friendship and other ties that bind. Pleading that she has a cough, Too sings just one duet with Chow — Smiling While The Clouds Change, a hit by Cantopop stars Anita Mui and Andy Hui.
A swell of different emotions envelops the flat over the next three hours. Various people — from childhood friends to former bosses — take turns at the microphone to talk about Too. Some do it willingly, others have to be cajoled, but all their stories paint a vivid mosaic of a woman well loved, with a life fully lived. Laughter erupts in bright bursts, only to be softened by the gentle fall of tears as poignant tales unfold of their beloved friend.
Over Zoom from Melbourne in Australia, teacher Teresa Attley remembers how she struggled to make friends when she arrived in Singapore in 2016 to work for publisher Marshall Cavendish as an acquisition manager.
"Then Carolyn came down from the mysterious land of sales and marketing. She smiled, joked, laughed and made me feel welcome. We chatted about travel and dating and the ice was broken, and I'm forever grateful. The three words I'd use to describe her are charming, unforgettable and inspiring," says Attley, who moved back to Australia more than five years ago.
'I've had a good life'
After she has posed for photos with all her guests, Too sits pensively on her sofa, looking at Toffee lying at her feet.
She says: "I've told her: 'One day, I will not be around anymore. Mama — my mother — will look after you. You have to behave yourself. One day, we will see each other again.'"
She is chuffed with how her celebration-of-life party has turned out: "It is exactly what I had imagined it to be."
"I don't know what I have done right in my life, but I know I am very lucky because I'm well loved. My heart is now very full because the room is filled with so much love for me."
Bad health and a failed marriage notwithstanding, Too is grateful for how her life has turned out. The former student of CHIJ St Theresa's Convent left school with just O levels, but has done well professionally. A self-starter and a quick study, her last job — before her illness forced her to quit in July 2023 — was licensing manager with the Copyright Licensing and Administration Society of Singapore.
"Sure, I have a few regrets. I wish I had studied more seriously, although I'm proud of myself that I managed to do so much. I wish I had spent more time with my parents when I was younger. I wish I hadn't said certain words, done certain things."
But she treasures her experiences, good and bad. "Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am today. You learn to love yourself and your family more. And you learn to give thanks each day you wake up."
ALSO READ: 'Not something to be feared': Woman with cancer held living funeral before her death
This article was first published in The Straits Times. Permission required for reproduction.
