'A period when the lonely get lonelier': These people are choosing to celebrate Christmas with strangers

SINGAPORE - It is that time of the year again, when most people gather their nearest and dearest and sit down for a meal in familiar company. 

But for every flat filled with laughter, there may be another shrouded in silence. Separated from their loved ones by death, disputes or distance, many are marking the close of another year - alone. 

Loneliness can feel especially acute when everyone else seems to be having the best holiday ever. According to a 2023 American Psychological Association poll, the stress levels of 41 per cent of adults increase during the holiday season. 

Such festive social and emotional isolation afflicts many in Singapore too, which is why some residents are trying to stem the tide, one party at a time. This year-end, The Straits Times speaks to the people who are choosing to celebrate not with friends and family, but with those who have no one else.

Lonely Christmas no more

When 29-year-old David Loh sits down for dinner on Dec 24, he might not recognise anyone at the table, apart from his wife. 

The gallery manager and his wife, Mrs Esther Loh - a 28-year-old creative strategist at a social media agency - are throwing a party for people who might feel lonely around this time of year. It will be the second such gathering they have hosted, following a similarly-themed get-together in 2022 that went viral on TikTok. 

That video, viewed more than 100,000 times since, attracted close to 300 responses from people eager to attend. To minimise disappointment, they capped party sizes at 15 people and organised three gatherings over the Christmas weekend and Chinese New Year, over and above the sole session they had planned.

For 2024, the couple have a new venue - a friend's event space and pottery studio in Chinatown that can accommodate 30, twice as many attendees as two years ago. They still hope to keep things small and intimate, with numbers capped at 30 a gathering.

Mr Loh says: "It would be a tragedy if a 200- or 300-strong crowd shows up, and lonely people leave feeling the same way. We want to create a place where we can be more intentional with hosting, where people can talk to one another and be heard." 

For Mrs Loh, it is important that everyone feels seen and heard. "When people think of Christmas, they think of celebrating with friends and family. They might not think about those on the outskirts who don't have that. It's a period when the lonely get lonelier," she says.

Her husband knows that feeling all too well. The social work graduate used to spend Christmas on his own, tending a gallery in Millenia Walk over the holidays, with no celebrations to look forward to. 

He says: "I'm a pretty positive, mentally healthy individual, and still I felt the weight and loneliness of being alone. I'd take the bus home and feel sad that I had nothing on that night. So, I wanted to make space for people like myself." 

The couple, who are Christian, will sponsor pizza and side dishes - halal, to cater to as many guests as possible - as well as gifts for the Dec 24 party. They have set aside a $1,000 budget for this.

In 2022, 45 people of all ages and religions turned up across their three parties. There was an empty nester in her 50s, whose sons had moved overseas to study; a woman in her 30s spending her first Christmas without her late husband; and a man who had been on the brink of suicide.

Despite their differences, these strangers were able to open up to one another and conversations ran raw. To the Lohs' surprise, some attendees kept in touch after that night. 

"Everyone there sort of knew the other attendees were also lonely, so there was a sense of empathy and solidarity," recalls Mrs Loh.

The couple hope to inject more joy and excitement into their 2024 programme with activities like pottery painting. 

"We're not trying to change someone's life. We just want to change someone's night. If deep friendships happen, that's great. But we don't have lofty ideas. We just want to make them feel like they had a good Christmas."

[embed]https://www.tiktok.com/@davidandesther/video/7178789811673681154[/embed]

More information will be released on the couple's TikTok account (@davidandesther) in December.

I'll (not) Be Home for Christmas 

This will be Mr Javier Lim's 15th Christmas away from home, so the 38-year-old Malaysian senior operations manager at co-living operator Coliwoo knows how his clients must feel.

A bittersweet melancholy settles over Coliwoo's apartments at this time of year. Most of its residents are expatriates, international students or digital nomads, whose families are thousands of kilometres away. 

"It's sad seeing people in their rooms during the festive period. They're lonely, they miss home. Sometimes, they'll come to the management office just to have someone to chat with," says Mr Lim. 

To lift their spirits, he started throwing Christmas parties for residents two years ago. The 2024 bash will be held at Coliwoo's Orchard residence, and he is expecting 50 to 60 guests. 

Sponsored by Coliwoo, a buffet of Western dishes - such as prawns with garlic aioli and sauteed garden vegetables - will be catered, and prizes will be up for grabs.

As part of Mr Lim's eco-conscious aims, game booths will be built out of recycled materials such as cardboard, egg trays and plastic bottles.

In addition to organising the party on Dec 20, Mr Lim is working the holiday shift on Christmas Day. He will be stationed at the company's Boon Lay property, where he will oversee operations and manage requests from residents. 

"I find the festive shift very rewarding," he says, adding that because he is so familiar with the staff and some of the residents, it feels almost like he is with friends. Staff also share drinks and desserts with residents in the lounge on days when they work late. 

"Here, you get a lot of these value-added activities that help build a strong community spirit, so people feel at home. We don't just provide them with a roof over their heads." 

The bachelor, whose two sisters also live overseas, sees his parents in Kelantan only after the festive season. But texts, video calls and knowing that they are just a four-hour flight away in Kelantan away help temper his homesickness. 

Last Christmas 

The elderly patients of a palliative care centre look on in amusement as Ms Janet Lee struggles with her Santa Claus costume. 

"I must be the skinniest Santa Claus ever," she quips with a wry smile, strapping a beard across the lower half of her face. "Maybe I should stuff a pillow under the top." 

The 59-year-old volunteer is testing out the costumes she plans to don on Dec 9, when Kang Le Day Hospice celebrates a cross-cultural Christmas with an Asian buffet and Western carols. She expects around 30 attendees. 

It was the housewife's idea, and one of the many contributions she has made since she started volunteering with HCA Hospice, which runs the centre in Marsiling, in June 2023. Moved by the care and compassion its team showed to her late mother in her final days some four years ago, Ms Lee decided to reciprocate by helping out. 

The memories she has made have stuck with her. In particular, her friendship with her very first patient - an elderly man she refers to as Mr N - continues to shape the work she does. 

Mr N suffered from dementia and anxiety, which made it difficult to interact with him at first. But Ms Lee eventually won over the former postman with her rendition of the Carpenters' Please Mr Postman.

He shared his life story with her, while she entertained him with games and activities, keeping him company until his death in August 2023. 

"I was very sad upon hearing the news, but I was also thankful for the opportunity to have created some happy moments while he was around," she says. 

Thus was born her idea of organising parties to spread that joy to more patients, most of whom have only six months to a year left to live, and are likely celebrating their last Christmas. 

Though to many of these seniors, Christmas is not as culturally significant as Chinese New Year or Hari Raya, Ms Lee - who usually does not celebrate Yuletide herself - believes in seizing any opportunity to get everyone together. 

"I enjoy doing the work. I'm happy to see them relax and have fun. If not, usually they just sit here and say, 'All I do here is eat and wait for time to pass.' It's quite negative," she says.

To inject some energy into the room, Ms Lee, who describes herself as "quite a serious person", busts out her goofy side. She will lead a singalong in her Santa Claus outfit, while her 35-year-old anaesthesiologist daughter, who is helping her, will tower over the party in a 2m-tall bunny suit. 

The festivities cannot stretch beyond two hours as the patients tire quickly, but she says it is heartening to see their energy return, even momentarily. 

At St Luke's ElderCare Serangoon Centre, 71-year-old retiree Lee Fatt Ping is also keenly aware of the needs of his fellow merry-makers. Though the seniors here are not terminally ill, many have conditions that might hamper their ability to participate. 

The volunteer, who visits the centre on Tuesday mornings, has prepared a simple arts and crafts activity to spread cheer this festive season. It comprises four strips of coloured paper that can be folded to form a heart, representing peace, love and joy - sentiments the Christian associates with Christmas. 

"It's a way for them to come together and stamp their identity on this place. It gives them a sense of ownership," he says, explaining that the completed paper hearts can then be hung up as decorations. 

However, he also has to take into consideration those with weaker psychomotor skills and poor eyesight.

In such cases, Mr Lee will encourage one of their friends to help them, or get them involved through simple questions such as "What colour is this?" and "Is this pretty?", to which they can respond with a thumbs up or down. 

"We have to adjust to their capabilities and make sure they feel included. The important thing is not to discredit them but encourage them to try again, if they want to." 

When it comes to the more reserved seniors who do not want to participate, he will approach them as a supplicant, asking for assistance or help - a move that is guaranteed to flatter.

"They'll say, 'You don't know how to do meh?', but it gets them involved." 

The former civil servant-turned nursing home executive, who completed a master's degree in ageing at The University of Melbourne in his late 60s, will be one of the few volunteers on duty at a time when most are away on holiday. 

He says: "If I can be around, I'm happy. This is a very meaningful time for me. I want to spread my blessings during this time when we're reflecting on the year, and being grateful for all the good and bad, the highs and lows." 

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This article was first published in The Straits Times. Permission required for reproduction.