Why do neighbours keep mum after witnessing domestic abuse?

SINGAPORE - One night in 2022, office administrator Natalie (not her real name) heard banging sounds against the wall while her neighbours were arguing, and thought they were throwing things in anger.

But when the 45-year-old peeked out of her window into the family’s flat, she was stunned to see that what her neighbour was throwing against the wall was his wife.

Natalie immediately picked up the phone to call the police, but her husband stopped her.

He said it was a family matter and their privacy should be respected.

But as the fight went on, Natalie and her husband deliberately opened and closed their windows loudly to tell their neighbours they knew what was happening. Soon after, the fight stopped.

More people in Singapore made police reports on family violence in 2021, with a total of 5,190 reports filed, up from 5,134 in 2020, according to police statistics.

The National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline (NAVH) also noted more calls, with 10,800 made in 2022, up from 8,400 in 2021.

Of these, about 3,000 inquiries per year were related to abuse or violence, said a spokesman for the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF).

But Minister for Social and Family Development Masagos Zulkifli said in a parliamentary reply in January that child abuse reports made by the public accounted for less than 1.5 per cent of the cases investigated by MSF’s Child Protective Service.

And social service agencies such as Touch Community Services (TCS) and Aware also said very few cases were reported to them by bystanders like neighbours, friends or family members of the victim.

TCS said most cases it received were self-reported by victims.

Minister of State for National Development Muhammad Faishal Ibrahim told The Sunday Times that a mindset shift might be needed among Singaporeans when it comes to reporting abuse.

In Natalie’s case, she said she didn’t call the police as she was afraid of the possible repercussions for her neighbour’s family.

She said: “If I had called the police, it might have caused big problems. What if their kids get taken away?”

She said she saw the woman the next morning in the carpark, and noted that her neck and face were covered in bruises. She asked her if she needed help, but was instead told to not tell anyone.

Said Natalie: “She told me he was just drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. I told her I was worried and she needed to think about her two children and whether it was a safe environment for them.

“I didn’t really know how to help, especially if she didn’t want to accept it. It’s easy for me to tell her to leave her husband, but who am I to say that?”

Her neighbours moved out several months later, and Natalie told the woman to text her if she needed help. But she has not heard from the woman in over a year.

Natalie added: “All I can do is to keep reminding her that we know what is happening and she can come to us once she is ready to get help.”

The head of Touch Family Support, Mr Marcus Lim, said: “In some cases, the victims didn’t even realise they were being abused.”

He said that is when intervention by neighbours is important.

He cited the case of Sarah (not her real name) who heard screams coming from a flat on the floor above her unit. She climbed onto a chair and put her phone close against the ceiling to record an audio clip.

She then sent the clip to social workers, hoping the family would get some help. 

TCS, of which Sarah is a beneficiary, visited her neighbour’s unit after receiving the audio clip.

The neighbour, a woman in her mid-30s, told social workers she would argue with her husband, which often escalated to threats of violence and her husband slapping her.

What was troubling was that the woman said she knew he was being aggressive but did not think she needed to report the issue as it was only slapping, and it did not happen often.

Mr Lim said she may have viewed the situation as a normal couple fight and may not have realised she was, in fact, a victim of family violence.

After speaking to social workers, the woman eventually made a police report. TCS said it did not know if the case has been resolved.

Ms Corinna Lim, executive director of Aware, said domestic violence survivors often lack the means, knowledge or confidence to extricate themselves from abuse.

She said: “The presence of a third-party who can validate their experiences and emotions can make all the difference.”

In 2019, one in 10 calls to Aware’s Womens’ Hotline and one in four cases seen by its Sexual Assault Care Centre were made by someone on behalf of the person in need, most often friends or family members.

On the mindset change that is needed, Prof Faishal said: “There is a Malay saying – ‘jangan jaga tepi kain orang’, which means to not pay mind to other people’s business. In our culture, we tend to be shy to intervene because we don’t want to interfere in family matters.

“But when there is violence, we must help. The intention is not to be a ‘busybody’, but to help, and provide support.”

Prof Faishal, who is an MP for Nee Soon GRC, said more people have been coming forward today compared to five years ago.

He said: “The willingness to come forward has gone up.”

He said he has noticed more residents telling him and expressing concern about hearing loud noises or shouting in their block. More people were also asking him to send someone to take a look.

In one instance, a mother living in his constituency messaged him on Facebook saying she needed help.

Her son, who was a victim of family violence by his father growing up, was now abusing his wife and kids. She asked Prof Faishal to help stop the cycle of violence.

Prof Faishal said after linking the family up with a social service agency, the son sought help and got better.

He said: “Whatever it is, violence cannot be condoned. That act must be stopped, because it’s not right.

“By coming forward, we are helping the family – both the perpetrators and the victims.”

There are many possible reasons why someone would hesitate to step in when they see family violence, social workers told ST.

Ms Lim, from Aware, said one main reason could be concern for their own safety. Another factor is being unsure how to act without unintentionally making the situation worse for the victim, which is a real possibility, she added.

Mr Lim, from Touch Family Support, added: “Most people are apprehensive about stepping in because they do not want to come across as a busybody or ‘kay-poh’.

“Others are afraid of being mistaken or personally implicated. Also, many don’t know who they can report the cases to and are unsure if a case is severe enough to be reported to the police.”

Engineer Ronald Toh, 28, said that despite knowing domestic violence should not be condoned, he would still be hesitant about stepping in to help.

He said it would largely depend on whether he was close to the victim.

He said: “If it was a neighbour I have known for a long time, I would find a way to approach them in common spaces to ask if they needed any help.

“But I would also be concerned about involving myself in the matter. There are only a handful of people living close enough to the victim to hear the commotion, so the abuser may find out I was the one who made the report, even though I might have done it anonymously.”

MSF stepped up its efforts to encourage the public to report abuse and for survivors to seek help with its refreshed Break The Silence campaign in November 2021. It featured a hand signal as a way to seek help from the public when it is not safe to verbally do so.

In December 2022, MSF also launched an online text-based channel as an additional mode of reporting for the NAVH to make the reporting of cases of violence easier.

The ministry’s Family and Domestic Violence Awareness Training, which covers early detection of abuse and the different forms of abuse, has contacted over 3,800 participants since October 2021.

MSF’s spokesman said: “Domestic violence must not be condoned. It is important for a mindset shift among Singaporeans to not treat domestic violence as a private matter, and work together as a society to address this issue.”

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Sales executive Jona Teo, 36, said she is aware of the different forms of abuse after viewing online resources, and would step in if she knew someone was being abused at home.

She said: “Maybe I wouldn’t call the police, unless it was a case of physical abuse, but I would definitely reach out to social workers and family service centres to check on the family. If you put yourself in their shoes, you would want someone to help you too.”

Minister of State for Social and Family Development and co-chair of the Taskforce on Family Violence, Ms Sun Xueling, said society needs to continue to work together to spread the message that no form of violence or abuse should be tolerated.

She said: “No one should suffer in silence. Everyone has an important role to play in breaking the cycle of violence.”

Mr Lim, from Touch Family Support, said that instead of being afraid of coming across as a busybody, one should think of it from the angle of “no one should feel unsafe in any setting”.

He said: “That may motivate us to take a more active stance in intervening whenever we have doubts or think that someone may be in a risky or dangerous situation.

“After all, it is better to be safe than sorry.”

Spotting signs of abuse

Mr Marcus Lim, head of Touch Family Support, said that when it comes to spotting signs of domestic violence, people usually look out for bruises and cuts.

But there is much more to that than just signs of physical abuse, he added.

He said: “People tend to think of an abused victim as a woman with big sunglasses and heavy make-up covering a black eye and cut lip – like in the movies.

“However, most injuries I’ve encountered in victims do not occur in obvious places, like the face. It is often a punch to the arm or gut, or a kick to the legs, for example. And these can be easily covered up with regular clothing.”

Not all acts of violence result in obvious or even physical injuries, he added.

It could be a slap to the face which may not leave a lasting mark, threatening someone’s life with a knife without using it, or damaging property instead of physically hurting the person, he said.

Physical abuse is only one of several types of abuse. Social workers said that besides spotting bruises and physical marks, it may also be useful to look out for signs such as:

• Changes in the victim’s relationship dynamics – whether one appears fearful of the other, or whether there is a lot of aggression, even in public.
• Unusual emotional displays – victims may display anxiety, anger, worry and confusion, and also show symptoms of depression.
• Changes in social behaviour – being socially withdrawn, avoiding others, being uncontactable.
• Unusual behaviour at work – absence, tardiness or a noticeable change in performance.

Helplines

• National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline (NAVH):

1800-777-0000 (24 hours)

• NAVH’s Online Reporting Form:

https://go.gov.sg/navh

• Aware Helpline:

1800-777-5555

• Pave:

6555-0390,
admin@pave.org.sg

• Trans Centre’s Stop Abuse in Families Programme:

6449-0672,
transbd@trans.org.sg

• Care Corner Project StART:

6476-1482,
projectstart@carecorner.org.sg

•  Family Service Centres Hotline:

1800-222-0000