“Just think positive ”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “ Good vibes only please”, “It could be worse”…

At some point in 2020, you’ve probably uttered these phrases, or been the subject of it. As well-meaning as you (or the other party) intended, at that moment, your upbeat words invalidated real, authentic human emotions – and that’s the crux of toxic positivity.

“Toxic positivity is the failure to recognise situational negativity. When people are hit with hard times, it may lead them to experience sadness, fear or anger. Toxic positivity manifests when these people are told to ‘snap out of it’, ‘move on’, ‘look at the bright side’ or even ‘stop crying’. This invalidates their feelings and deprives them of the healing process of dealing with these emotions,” explains Nathalie Gevinti , Mind Mentor with Stellar Minds .

The harsh truth is, life (and emotions) get messy and we often turn to friends and family to help us process the emotions or to get a listening ear. Unfortunately, we don’t always get heard and sometimes leave the interaction feeling worse.

While you can’t control the actions of others or insist they be your pillar of support, it is important to recognise the signs of toxic positivity to draw healthy boundaries or step away from the cheery echo chamber for an objective perspective.

1. The “good vibes only” friends

Having a positive mindset is important, just as it is imperative to not surround yourself with people who gloss over reality and deny one’s lived experience.

“Anytime your feelings aren’t validated, regardless of the situation, you are experiencing toxic positivity,” says Nathalie who cautions knowing the difference between a “good vibes only” friend and one who doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth.

“They may not necessarily be an insensitive person, they could simply struggle with handling negative emotions due to trauma or upbringing.” Still, if you find yourself surrounded by individuals continually invalidating your experiences, or not respecting where you are at, Nathalie advises “putting some distance between you and them, and seek other counsel from different friends or professionals.”

2. Friends who won’t hold space for you

There’s a difference between can’t – because life affects us all differently – and won’t. Sadly, some friends are only ever about you helping and hearing them out but when it comes to your turn to lean on them, they brush off your laments with glib, pseudo-positive statements like: “Happiness is a choice: “If you put good stuff out there, good stuff comes back.”

While it could be a case of them not knowing what to say, it could also be a scenario that they’re simply not that interested in dealing with the messy side of friendship where things aren’t always rosy.

“People can lack empathy if they don’t see your situation as critical from their point of view,” says Nathalie, pointing out that toxic positivity isn’t always a deliberate response. “People also struggle with their ability to cope with their emotions, let alone others. It takes a lot to be able to sit there with someone and hold space for them to be all they need to be at that moment.”

Ultimately, Nathalie advises being mindful of whom you are confiding in. “If they are rushing you to feel better, you can share your boundaries by letting them know how you would like them to act. For example: “I just need someone to listen right now”, or “when you tell me off, I feel invalidated”.

3. Friends who only hang when it’s fun

Just as we encourage children to be bored to allow their creativity to flourish, we should do the same with friendships. If your besties are only around when there’s champagne involved, it’s time to shift the perspective to one that focuses on real-life and real problems.

While talking about authentic feelings can feel difficult at first, Nathalie advises practising active listening and to avoid fixing the issue at hand.

“A simple technique is to repeat back to the person what they have said to you but in your own words. It will make them feel listened to, validated and understood, which enables them to start the healing process.”

This article was first published in Her World Online.