How to introduce BDSM into your sex life

The 50 Shades of Grey series of films and books brought BDSM into the mainstream, but do you really know what the term means? 

Short for Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, and Sadism-Masochism, BDSM sex refers to any type of sexual act that involves dominance, submission and control, and where there is a consensual power exchange. BDSM is also sometimes called “kink”.

According to Erin Chen, a sex therapist and the founder of Gilly, an intimacy wellness app for couples with kids, kink is a broad term for sex that’s thought of as “non-traditional” (for most people, traditional sex is likely intercourse-based sex between two monogamous partners).

So kink describes a wide spectrum of sexual activities and experiences that can, but doesn’t have to include, power dynamics.

What does BDSM involve?

More than the sexual acts themselves, BDSM is rooted in the shared experience of pleasure – for yourself and your partner, Erin points out.

Pleasure can come from surrendering control or taking control, from certain physical sensations, from certain emotional responses, and so on. It can also come from the careful effort of planning and preparing for an upcoming BDSM play session.

What brings pleasure is as individual as the people involved. It’s a space of non-judgment, and there’s a wide and diverse spectrum of experiences. Consent and trust are essential to a healthy and positive BDSM experience.

Misconceptions about BDSM

Many people assume that BDSM can be harmful. For example, Erin says that there’s this belief that people who practise BDSM are perverts or mentally unbalanced. A lot of this is tied to the general sexual shaming and taboos that currently exist in our society.

But research shows that practising a healthy BDSM lifestyle does not cause and is not caused by psychological pathologies. In fact, a study from the Netherlands found that BDSM practitioners did not appear to be more troubled than the general population.

They were more extroverted, more open to new experiences and more conscientious than participants who did not practise BDSM sex. They were also less neurotic, a personality trait marked by anxiety.

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“In general, I find that people who practise healthy BDSM are much more self aware and very good communicators.” Erin explains.

“This makes sense, given that these are crucial skills one needs to be able to understand, articulate and have constructive conversations about their preferences with their partner."

"These skills are also vital to be able to continuously communicate during the sexual experience so that both partners can enjoy themselves.”

Is BDSM right for you and your partner?

It depends on what experiences bring you pleasure. Ask yourself: “What feels fun and exciting to me sexually?” A good place to look is your sexual fantasies.

When you fantasise, pay attention to what gets you excited. Is it the feeling of giving away control? Is it the feeling of suspense? Is it the feeling of being powerful?

Is there dialogue in your fantasy, and if so, what is being said? And in what tone is it being said? These are all clues for what to bring into your real-life BDSM experience.

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So, for instance, if the feeling of suspense turns you on and gets you excited, then perhaps being blindfolded is something you can try to incorporate into your sex life.

How do you bring up trying BDSM with your partner, especially if you’re worried he/she may judge you? You could say that you’ve been reading about it and are curious to explore it with them, Erin says.

Be open about the fact that you’re nervous about even raising the subject with them, because you’re not sure if they’re keen on it or if they will judge you. Then, see where the conversation goes.

Listen to what your partner has to say and make the choice together, or agree to pick up the discussion again another day.

Tips for a positive BDSM experience

1. Build a foundation of trust and confidence

Before even diving into BDSM, Erin suggests talking about sex with your partner. Share feedback about what feels good and what doesn’t.

If you can’t do this comfortably, you likely don’t yet have a strong enough foundation of trust and confidence needed to experiment with BDSM safely and pleasurably.

“Remember, the aim is for both partners to feel pleasure,” says Erin. “It won’t work if one of you is hesitant or feels shy. You can’t just impose BDSM on someone and assume they’ll like it.”

2. Discover your boundaries

Once you’ve both decided that BDSM is something you’d like to explore together, discuss your boundaries. This includes reaching a mutual understanding that while you may set boundaries beforehand, they might still change in the midst of your sexual play.

You may want to come up with signals like safe words or gestures to indicate that you’d like to withdraw your consent. And, check in with each other as you experiment.

Communication is key – learn your partner’s cues and be truthful about what you want or don’t want. (Check out the free Giving and Receiving game on www.getgilly.com, an exercise that lets you practise these types of communication).

3. Read up (at least a little)

If you really want to experiment with BDSM, Erin suggests going through a workbook called Authentic Kink: Create Your Best Experience with your partner, available on Amazon. Among other things, it’ll help guide you through key conversations to create a healthy, pleasurable experience.

4. Discuss the plan

Talk about the experience you want to create. Once you have an idea about this, then you can start talking about props, like a blindfold, a long feather or even a spatula. “Sometimes, it’s the careful planning and choosing of props that gives pleasure to the person holding power in a BDSM experience,” says Erin.

5. Make time for aftercare

Aftercare is important when you’re done with the sexual play. This differs from couple to couple, depending on their needs and wants. Some partners may spend a few minutes cuddling while others may request for time alone.

Some may ask their partner for a backrub while others may ask for a cup of tea. “Use this time to discuss how you felt during and after your play session, so that you can continue to learn how to please each other and revel in the pleasure together,” says Erin.

This article was first published in Her World Online.