How much money should we give our parents every month?

Growing up, my family wasn’t well-to-do, but my parents never once complained about how much it cost to raise my brother and I.

When I was 13, my dad secretly sold his car so I could get braces. I felt terrible when my mum told me, but all she said was, “It’s our job to take care of you now. Just be sure to take care of us when you’re older.”

Since then, the importance of giving back has been grilled into my mind.

I asked Elsa Lim, founder of Money Fit Coach, about how much we should give our parents every month, and asked five other Singaporean girls in their 20s how much they do, and what the act of giving their parents money means to them.

HOW MUCH MONEY SHOULD WE GIVE OUR PARENTS?

There’s no “right” amount that we should give our parents every month because what is being repaid is largely unquantifiable.

“When it comes to money, there are two types of relationships we have to address: transactional and emotional. When we work for a company in return for compensation, the relationship is purely transactional, but when it comes to giving money to our loved ones, the relationship is emotional,” says Elsa.

She adds that she knows of people who have no emotional ties with their parents and thus do not give them money at all.

If you are in a position to give, Elsa advises having an open conversation with your parents about how much they would like to have, and how much you can afford to give.

She also suggests paying for their utility, phone, grocery or medical expenses on a monthly basis if you want an alternative option.

CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE THEM MONEY THOUGH? IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL

However, if you’re struggling to support yourself, much less anyone else, you shouldn’t feel too guilty about being unable to provide for your parents.

“Most parents wouldn’t dream of demanding money from their children, especially if they’re unemployed or struggling to make ends meet,” says the money fitness coach.

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She notes that you can also show them love in other ways, such as investing more time with them, or checking in on them every day.

And if your parents are crazy rich Asians who don’t need your money, Elsa’s answer is the same: “At the end of the day, most parents don’t want their children’s money per se, but their time, attention and love.”

She suggests taking them on a paid vacation as a way to express your love. The quality time spent with them will be more meaningful than a monthly allowance.

“Don’t [give your parents an allowance] out of a sense of obligation or because you fear being criticised. Do it out of love and because you want to,” says Elsa.

Now that I can afford to give back to my parents, I realise that while 50 per cent of it is out of obligation, the other 50 per cent is from pure gratitude.

I will never be able to repay them for all that they’ve done for me, but giving them a token of my thanks seems like a good place to start.

CAROL M, 27

Salary: $4,000 to $6,000

Gives: 10 per cent of her salary every month

“I think, in Singapore, giving money to our parents is about filial piety. It’s to give back to them what they’ve done for us throughout our lives, like providing for us and giving us shelter without chasing us out when we’re 18. Giving them money every month is kind of like paying them back by installments—they made the lump sum payment for your school fees and stuff, and you spend the rest of your life paying them back every month and making it up to them. I feel like it’s my responsibility to provide for my mum like how she provided for me back in the day, even when she wasn’t earning any money. It’s a very Asian way of thinking.”

JANE L, 29

Salary: Base pay of $3,000, but sometimes more due to the nature of her work

Gives: $250 to $400 a month

“To me, giving money to our parents is a sign of respect and to give back. My dad never asked for money but my mum was very adamant about us paying for rent. I used to resent it, but they’re headed to retirement and even though they have financial security, I feel it’s still the right thing to do no matter how small the sum. When I first got married, I didn’t give them anything for a year and they understood. Now, I give them money because I want to, but I sometimes find it difficult to even give $250 and that really weighs on me. Even though I know they don’t expect anything, it’s just the feeling that I should be able to do more give more and be better.”

MANDY C, 29

Salary: Around $4,000

Gives: $200 to $300 a month

“Giving our parents a monthly allowance means giving back to them for the time that they spent raising us. It’s a way to say ‘thank you’. However, it shouldn’t be an obligation—giving from the heart is what’s meaningful and without meaning, it lacks sincerity. I do not give my parents a fixed monthly amount but do so in less tangible ways such as taking them out for dinner. Plus, I’ve moved out of my parent’s house, and time spent together is more precious than money.”

ELAINE W, 26

Salary: Less than $5,000

Gives: $400 a month

“My family isn’t very well-to-do, so I have to give and, of course, give back what my parents gave to us. It comes from a sense of filial duty. It’s not something that I want to do but something that I feel like I need to do.”

CHRISTINE S, 24

Salary: Between $4,000 and $5,000

Gives: $400 a month

“My parents don’t live together, so I divide the sum. However, my mom doesn’t accept money from me—I’ve tried to give it to her on several occasions but she always returns it to me, so now I just pay for things I know she wants but doesn’t buy for herself. Most recently, I bought her a package for Pilates Reformer classes along with some other fitness gear that she’s been wanting. With my dad, it varies, sometimes I chip in for household expenses and other times, I give him $200.”

This article was first published in CLEO Singapore.