'I see kids suffering': Young millennials and Gen Zs discuss why many don't want children

Is Singapore's birth rate low because our young couples want to focus on their own lives?

Or are they deterred from becoming parents because of the tough lives that modern children have to go through? 

In a YouTube video posted by You Got Watch channel last Wednesday (Aug 23), The Hop Pod podcast hosts Joie Tan, Nicholas Yeam and Yun Qian — each of them either a millennial or Gen Z — discuss the topic of why more young adults of their generation do not want to have children anymore.

The three hosts outlined why older generations of Singaporeans were keen to have kids and the need for big families then. 

In the past, The Greatest Generation (born between 1901 to 1924) and The Silent Generation (1925 to 1945) wanted children because they needed extra hands to earn more money or help out in the family businesses, concluded the hosts.

Joie, 28, responded: "That's messed up… They had multiple children, didn't invest in their education and then used kids as their retirement plans."

Nicholas elaborated: "Our parents' generation (baby boomers) was tough as they were the sandwich generation. They had many siblings as their parents needed more kids to work for the family, so very few of (our parents' generation) got the education they needed. A lot of them did manual labour jobs when they were young. When they grew up, they had to take care of both their own parents and children."

While Nicholas acknowledged that many baby boomers are financially adequate and do not have to rely on their children for survival, many still expect to be taken care of in old age — a point that both Joie and Yun Qian, 28, agreed on.

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Another reason to have kids was shared by Joie, who admitted to wanting children initially. 

Even though she could not pin it on a single reason, she recognised that she "wanted an extension of herself" and could imagine herself enjoying the process of nurturing a new life.

Yun Qian said that it had been natural to her to want kids because of her happy childhood and took it as a given that it would be her future path too.

"My mum was a good mother, and I wanted to be like her and replicate the family she has. If I could have three little me, it would be very cute.

"The family bond I had as a kid was something I wanted when I got older," she shared.

However, there seem to be far more cons than pros to having children, among which are the cost of living, desire for freedom and a tough childhood for modern kids.

"I won't be able to go if I have a child"

During the course of their conversation, Nicholas introduced the terms "DINK" and "DINKWAD".

For the uninitiated, "DINK" is an urban acronym for "double income, no kids", referring to couples who are thriving in their careers earning a good income, and living a comfortable lifestyle with no children to worry about. "DINKWAD" refers to the same thing, just "with a dog".

Nicholas admitted he and his fiancee are quite sold on the DINK life, but stop short of eliminating the possibility of kids: "It is hard to commit to say I never want to have children… but if my partner doesn't want children, she has more say — the pregnancy is tough, and post-pregnancy is tough too."

He is also attracted to a no-strings attached lifestyle with the freedom to do whatever he wants without answering to anyone, such as "taking a six-month sabbatical" or "going to Brazil next week" spontaneously.

Yun Qian seconded his view, saying: "For example, I am going snowboarding in December, I won't be able to go if I have a child."

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Nicholas also elaborated on the freedom to go on vacation during non-school holiday periods: "I want to be able to go holiday in April. My holidays don't have to revolve around school holidays… Many parents stop getting invited for things because people assume they can't make it (because of their children)."

Joie felt that she wanted to be mentally healthy before having children, saying: "I'd rather regret not having children then regret having any. And I don't want to bear any resentment for having kids. Once I get married I will start therapy as I do not want to pass down any generational trauma to my kids.

"I am a product of my parents… Sometimes marriage counselling can save the way your kids end up," she added.

"Generational trauma" is a psychological and spiritual term for bad habits, beliefs or experiences that past generations pass onto future generations because they were not dealt with in a healthy manner such as through psychotherapy.

"I see kids suffering"

Joie also shared that only after becoming an art teacher did she "have second thoughts about having children". 

She continued: "I see kids suffering. For example, a kid comes for art class on Saturday morning… In the afternoon she has tuition, swimming and piano lessons… She doesn't like her weekends because it has classes filled to the brim."

"The world is very competitive now for kids. Our society has progressed, so education system progresses too. For example, kids are using calculators in primary school (when we didn't)... Even smart kids need tuition to catch up."

On the contrary, Yun Qian said that her childhood weekends were "mostly going to the beach, like East Coast Park".

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Nicholas shared that the pressure is part of the reason not to have kids: "Our generation put a lot of pressure on themselves as parents."

Reading out a viewer's comment, he said: "When I see kids in public, they are either screaming or on their phones, when I hear parents talk about kids, it's always school, tuition, exams. None of these seems like what I want for my life."

From the hosts' perspectives, there are also external factors making life untenable for future generations.

Nicholas pointed out that people are stressed about many things such as cost of living, wars, and other "uncertainties and crises", while Joie is worried about children "growing up in a world of social media".

Even though Yun Qian doesn't feel selfless enough to have children, she is open to the idea, and doesn't expect it to be her entire identity.

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"I tell myself to live with my choices. In my old age, I envision myself to have a lot of friends, have my own interests, travelling the world, still fit and healthy. There are other fulfillments in life. Motherhood is not the end goal," she concluded hopefully.

Nicholas has a more simplistic solution to "not having kids to take care of him in old age".

He shared: "I will die before my friends in my ideal world. I always tell my fiancee: 'I want to die first… After that, take my life insurance and live it up!'"

Nonetheless, all concurred with Joie's conclusion that we should all "mind our own business", and respect that "some people have financial capabilities but don't want children".

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jolynn.chia@asiaone.com