Guess who's legally stuck with me now? Yep, my (now) wife.

Earlier this year, my then-fiancee and I were solemnised by an appointed religious official in a ceremony attended by family from both sides and our close friends.

While many joyful tears were shed as everyone celebrated our union, there were definitely a few bumps along the way that we had to overcome, mostly to do with managing family on both sides (aka each other's in-laws).

And with our wedding reception taking place in a few months' time, we're determined to learn how to establish certain boundaries (who else can relate to the anxiety of saying 'no' to your in-laws) and project manage better this time.

So, I turned to two of my older colleagues, Diane and John, both in their thirties and a few years into marriage, for wisdom — not about love, but about in-laws.

They've been through it all — the good, the awkward, and the unexpected — and lived to tell the tale. From building good relationships to handling differences, here's their advice to me, and other newlyweds, when learning to embrace this new family dynamic.

Let's talk about the guest list. For our wedding, my wife and I plan to keep it intimate — that means only inviting people we are close to. How did the two of you deal with family members expecting an automatic invite?

Diane: I got married during Covid days, which was a headache, but one upside was that I was able to use the "5 pax rule" as an excuse to control the numbers. If you're concerned that unwanted guests won't listen to you, maybe you need to form an alliance with a relative who has the power to deflect self-invites.

But if there's no one who can act as a buffer, and if you haven't chosen your venue yet, I'd recommend choosing somewhere small, with hard limits on headcount, and with elements that make it less appealing for a whole troupe of relatives to appear: ulu location, semi-outdoor setting, only serves western food.

John: My wedding reception was held after restrictions were lifted (boo) but I'm lucky my side of the family was quite chill; my aunt handled the invites so we got that sorted in a week. My wife and her mum were very hands-on, using the venue floor plan to figure out which family members and friends to invite.

By drawing out the seating plan, there were "limited" tables so we wouldn't get any surprise last minute guests — but we did prepare an extra table just in case something happened.

After our solemnisation, we encountered some distasteful behaviour we would like to avoid at our wedding reception. So how to *ahem* not invite certain guests for the wedding reception, when they were at the solemnisation.

Diane: It's hard for me to advise you on this without knowing your exact family dynamics and your history with the person. What did they do to end up on the no-invite list? What will be the repercussions, and who will be responsible for damage control if they don't get invited?

If you'll need someone's help to handle the "cleanup" — for instance, if the no-invite person is your mother's eldest brother, but all the other siblings are invited, start by giving her the heads up about why you don't want him there. 

John: The best thing to do is to weigh the pros and cons of not inviting that person. Do you want to risk burning the bridge and upsetting your family, or are you okay not seeing them ever again? If the long term repercussions are too much, then bo pian, have to accommodate the relative in hopes that they won't give you trouble in the future.

Thankfully, my parents and in-laws get along well, so the challenge was more with extended family. A relative who had declined the invite suddenly sent her daughter to 'represent' her — on the eve of the solemnisation. The space was already maxed out, but we managed to squeeze her in. And before I could even discuss it with my then-fiancee, my mother-in-law had already decided we had to include her since she had flown in. So… is a hard 'no' ever really possible?

Diane: A hard "no" is possible, but whether or not your family members respect that "no" is another matter. Like I said earlier, you need to find an ally that the offending family members will actually listen to. 

John: It's tough to say no unless you have someone senior in the family backing you up. If this was a one-time thing, a little give and take is understandable. But it's worth keeping in mind for the future so you can set clearer boundaries next time.

You'd think people would be early, or at least on time, for such an important ceremony. But our solemniser had to wait for an extra 25 minutes because of latecomers; and they still had the audacity to stroll in upon arrival. How do you set and enforce strict boundaries for future events? Imagine being late for our wedding reception's march-in

Diane: To be honest, I've stopped expecting relatives, especially older ones, to take my husband and I seriously. I can't remember if any of them sauntered in late to my wedding, but we started on time. Without suffering the consequences of their behaviour, they'll keep doing the same thing anyway. 

John: This one quite difficult lah, especially when you're the stars of the wedding. I think you should always be prepared as it's something you cannot control. For my reception, my best man (my brother) and the maid of honour helped settle any stragglers who were late — luckily it was only a couple of people for my case.

Some final tips for in-law diplomacy post-wedding

Diane: Since a lot of your concerns have to do with managing extended family, I'll say this: Your marriage comes first. Stand up for each other whenever possible. Don't stand idly by when your mother is nagging your wife — get Mum off her back!

This'll be especially crucial once you start having kids. Everyone will have an opinion on how you should be raising your child, so you and your wife should always operate as a united front amidst unsolicited opinions about your baby's diet, your baby's sleep, and the fact that your baby isn't wearing socks even though it's over 30 degree Celsius outside.

John: When you wake up in the morning, whom do you see? Always, always, put your wife first above everyone else. She's your partner-in-crime, and you're always gonna stick together through thick and thin. The other thing you must always remember is to be honest. Share your thoughts with each other, especially when it comes to big decisions — and don't lie or hide anything.

This article was first published in Wonderwall.sg.