It was so tough I wanted to jump: Her life changed forever when both mum and dad were diagnosed with cancer

Seetoh Su-Ying was only 11 when doctors found her mum suffering from stage-3B breast cancer.

Ten years later in 2011, tragedy struck the family again. This time her dad was diagnosed with adenoid cystic carcinoma, a rare form of cancer in salivary glands.

On the great wide web, inspiring stories of cancer survivors are aplenty, but seldom has the spotlight been placed on family members who bear the burden of caring for them.

With October being breast cancer awareness month, we spoke to 29-year-old Su-Ying — a video producer at AsiaOne — on what it was like living with parents who survived cancer and the effects it had on her life.

‘I WANT TO BE SEEN AS MYSELF’

As captain of the Breast Cancer Foundation’s dragon boat team, 54-year-old Irene Chui has been interviewed on at least eight separate occasions, but never had the focus been on her daughter Su-Ying.

Often introduced to people as “Irene’s daughter” and the child of a cancer survivor, Su-Ying confided that she sometimes struggles with feelings of being overshadowed by her mum’s success story.

“My life compared to [my mum] isn’t very spectacular. I’m just a normal person," she said. "Why would people want to find out more about me when my mum has a much more interesting story?”

Even as an adult, Su-Ying often wrestles with her self-identity and people who offer her friendship — because they may only want to find out more about her mother’s experience. 

“On the one hand I’m very proud of her but it came to a point where I just want to be known for being my own person. I want to be seen as myself,” she clarified. 

‘I WANTED TO JUMP BUT NEVER DARED’ 

Because of how overt the pain and suffering of the disease is, people understandably shift their empathy to cancer patients and sometimes overlook how caretakers are human too. 

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Growing up, Su-Ying often directed her anguish inwards, choosing to hold back and keep troubles to herself — because whatever she was facing would pale in comparison to her parents’ pain. 

As her mother underwent chemotherapy, Su-Ying watched the once-effervescent woman transform into a depressed stranger who lost all her hair and shed 14kg in the process.  

“When [my mum] was in the high dependency ward and my brother (who was only nine then) saw her state, he broke down but I had to hold my emotions back because I wanted to be a pillar of strength for him. 

“There were times [my mum’s] suffering caused me annoyance but I couldn’t express it because she was suffering so much more,” she reflected poignantly. 

By bottling her troubles, the culmination of pressure from her studies, being bullied by schoolmates and dealing with her mum’s illness almost pushed Su-Ying over the edge during her PSLE year. 

“I once wrote a suicide letter while studying for [PSLE]. There were a few occasions I wanted to jump but never dared,” she confessed — a low point in her life that nobody knows about.  

So, as much as you choose to invest in others, one piece of sage wisdom Su-Ying offered is to remember to take care of yourself, because burnout has a subtle way of sneaking in especially to those who push too hard. 

HER DAD DID A COMPLETE 180 

Hearing about cancer affecting others is different from experiencing first-hand how it can wreak havoc on lives, and the family’s nightmare was repeated again when Su-Ying’s father received his diagnosis.

Unlike her mum, who bounced back and emerged stronger after the treatment, her introverted dad became more reserved — to the point where Su-Ying gave up talking to him out of frustration. 

“As [my dad] went through radiation, he became very weary and I could see he was trying very hard coming to terms with it. I couldn’t talk to him at all and it was like he became another person,” she said. 

Although the situation has vastly improved after he completed treatment, Su-Ying emphasised how it’s important to “always be there when you can", because it’s a tough journey for those without support. 

IS IGNORANCE REALLY BLISS? 

These days, Su-Ying is in a bit of a bind, spending $200 a year on two mammograms and an ultrasound in spite of her young age because breast cancer is hereditary in her maternal line. 

Unfortunately, she will have to continue doing these tests for the rest of her life — unless she can persuade her mother to take a gene test that will reveal whether she has the mutated gene predisposed to cancer. 

Although her oncologist advised her to take it, her mother has refused because she reckons ignorance is bliss and it’s easier to live without knowing. 

While Su-Ying respects her mum’s decision, she admitted that it would always be at the back of her mind and if given the choice, she would want to find out. 

Until then, she takes things in her stride and often gives in to her adventurous side, competing in two half-ironman races and enlisting in the SAF Volunteer Corps this year alone. 

Some parting words of wisdom? 

“[My parents’ cancer] taught me to live harder, choose my battles wisely, and have a few good friends. I’m more YOLO but not reckless, more willing to try things but will always exercise caution.”

This article has been edited for clarity.

joeylee@asiaone.com