'My son replaced me when I got Covid-19'

I tested positive for Covid-19 on Feb 8, 2022. About three weeks from my third (booster) vaccine shot, the unimaginable happened. I started off having a sore throat and I initially blamed it on eating too many pineapple tarts during the Chinese New Year break. 

But I knew better than to brush it off, with the Omicron variant going rampant and cases rising rapidly over the past weeks. I had also been informed by a friend who came over for Chinese New Year visitation that she had been exposed to a suspected close contact. 

So I bit the bullet and paid the premium for a PCR test and got my results in under 24 hours. Unfortunately, the results came back positive. My doctor told me to stay calm, pack whatever I needed and isolate myself from my family. 

Self-quarantine parenting: Missing the family from afar

In the seven days I remained in self-isolation, I watched my son on the closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras around the house, heard him singing and laughing and my heart ached so badly to not be able to hug him or smell him or comfort him in times of sadness. 

The first day was tough. He came home and asked for "mama" but I was not around. On day two, he was still asking for me, but to my husband's credit, he really stepped up in this time of need and not only attended to my son’s needs but mine too. He promptly delivered my morning coffees, my lunches, my afternoon snacks and dinners without complaint. 

He did all of this while juggling our active two-year-old and his full-time job. He made sure I had enough water. He made sure our son had enough food, clean clothes and that his diapers were changed on time. 

The house ran smoothly despite my “absence”. It was a great “break” for me as a mother. To be able to rest and recover from Covid-19 and not have to worry about the household was an amazing feeling. 

But I couldn’t shake that feeling of longing for my family. And what happened with my son psychologically shook and scared me to my core. It made me realise that having grown up with an absentee father had left more emotional scars than I knew. 

The memories I have of my father not being around don’t go as far back as toddlerhood though he left us when I had barely turned three or four. My memories only go as far back as maybe seven to eight years old. 

The worst of the memories played out in my teenage years and my rebellion was in full force. We always think of the psychological scars that an absentee parent leaves to be in later years of a child’s life. But in my mere seven-day isolation, I saw my son replace me with himself. 

Psychological impact on my son

Around day three or four of my self-isolation, my partner reported to me that our son started referring to himself as “mama” and that he adopted his stuffed toy cow as “baby”. He would take “baby” everywhere and he was inseparable from that toy. 

My mother, who came to visit, also reported the same. 

He also played with his dollhouse which comes with a family and during this time, he would play with it and only include "papa" and "baby" (referring to himself) but no "mama". 

In just a few days of having an absent parent, my son felt the need to assume the role of a parent to the stuffed toy and he also actively left out "mama" from his dollhouse. He took on the role of a parent because he couldn’t understand why his primary caregiver wasn’t around or whether his mama would even be coming back. It was heart-breaking.

To fill a void, he created a new persona for himself and cared for his “baby” the way I cared for him. My heart shattered hearing this because I knew what it was like to have this void to fill.  In my time of isolation, my eyes have really opened up to how incredibly sensitive and emotional children are to losing a parent. It can affect them in ways we truly cannot understand. 

From day five onwards, my son had completely stopped using the word "mama" in his vocabulary.

When I went downstairs to see him for the first time in seven days, both my partner and I expected him to be overjoyed or even to break down in tears but he was rather indifferent towards me. 

We don’t know if this indifference will last or if my seven-day absence has caused permanent damage. But I hope to be able to undo any damage I’ve caused in my absence with all the love and reassurance I can give him in the coming weeks. So, parents, we might not think that children as young as two even understand what’s going on around them, but there is an underlying psychological element to all of this that we have to consider. 

Psychologist weighs in

According to Dr Geraldine Tan, director and principal psychologist at The Therapy Room, by eight months, an infant would have developed the concept of object permanence, hence, peekaboo would be a fun game to play with them as they are able to peel open your hands and find the person behind. 

“By seven to eight months, the child would also have started to form a bond to a singular caregiver. Most times, infants learn that the caregiver would leave and come back after a short period of time,” Dr Geraldine elaborates.

“There is a sense of security and certainty.  In cases where there is a prolonged separation, the young child or infant may not understand why his cries are not responded to or where the person has gone,” she adds.

“As adults, we assume that the video calls and audio is good enough, yet the developing brain at that stage may need more concrete tactile feedback. This may explain the confusion in the child when you came back (from isolation),” she says. 

Young children look towards the caregiver for stability, so both parents and even grandparents can step in as alternative caregivers. 

For children that are slightly older, we can: 

1. Prepare the child, for example marking down on a physical calendar that they can see.
2. Employ tactile reminders - using an object to explain.
3. After coming back, spend more time with them.

Mothers can also do or prepare something small for their children every day when they are in isolation. “Video and audio calls can also be paired with the concrete item that is left with the child,” says Dr Geraldine. In the case of my child, his physical object was in the form of a stuffed toy. Older children can also be made to draw or write for the parent that has to leave the child for a short period of time. 

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Overall, she says that attachment needs consistency and secure attachment needs sincerity. 

A short hiatus may bring about an immediate indifferent response but with the constant love and care the mother gives when she is back, the child can learn to understand that their mother will be there from now on and trust can be rebuilt.

Now, all I can hope for is for my son to warm up towards me again and to realise that he doesn't need to fill that void anymore.

This article was first published in theAsianparent.