If asked to provide a list of words to pair with “funeral”, what immediately comes to mind? For many, uncomfortableness would seep in even before a word is formed. This is likely caused by the refusal of the individual to think of the “d” word – death.

Doing so could easily set someone off into a rabbit hole of fear so it’s completely understandable to be dismissive or feel a little uneasy.

Likewise with funerals, it serves as a conscious reminder that life is temporary. The frightening nature of a final send off can be palpable at times and it’s hard to deal with.

With grief and sadness being the mainstay emotions amongst a great majority of funerals, it adds up that these processions have a tendency to be linked solely with negative emotions.

So, back to the first question. Any chance that the word “dream” made it to your list? Probably not and it kind of does make sense. Such farewells tend to be sombre occasions and “dream” just wouldn’t fit such parameters. 

But what if those parameters could be tweaked? Theoretically speaking, ‘dream funerals’ would become more prevalent if they were not simply seen as negative events. 

If results from an AsiaOne survey is anything to go by, we may be looking into a future where having a wishlist becomes relatively normal. Think of it as a loved one’s final wishes – be it a Kahoot quiz or a curated music playlist – being respected and carried out during their final journey.

A celebration of life

AsiaOne’s survey was conducted with 88 Singapore individuals aged 18 to 35 and respondents were asked to provide three words that they immediately thought of upon seeing the word “funeral”. From there, respondents were tasked to decide if their words were generally positive, negative, or neutral.

Unsurprisingly, words associated with negativity filled the response column – from “sadness” to “tears”, “depressing” to “mourning”. What was unexpected, however, was the sheer number of respondents (57 out of 88) whose chosen words were either neutral or positive.

Put it this way, roughly 6 in 10 respondents felt that one’s last journey can indeed be associated with something neutral or positive. Examples of words received were “reflection”, “loved ones”, “celebration” and “gather”. 

One respondent, who goes by M, provided an interesting insight as to why she is able to take a neutral stance.

“Death is a part of our everyday life so a neutral stance toward funerals should be held to help us deal with it better,” the 18-year-old said.

Nerissa, a 25-year-old who works in social media, shared similar sentiments and said: “Funerals are traditionally a sad occasion in some cultures, but actually in others they are a celebration. So in the last few years, I've tried to change my mentality that it's not just about losing someone, but celebrating the life they once lived.”

When it comes to planning for their final day, many are on the same boat – 75 per cent of respondents say they have yet to plan for their funerals.

However, a significant number of our Gen Z and millennial respondents have gone past the initial taboo barrier of seeing final farewells as drab life events. An open-ended question on what they wish to see on their farewell day was presented to them and the answers received were much more diverse than one may expect.

Kahoot quiz at a funeral?

In the survey, words like “Spotify” or “playlist” popped up a fair bit when respondents were asked about their ideal funeral. Some individuals even got more specific and wanted the likes of Paramore, Arctic Monkeys and Stevie Wonder to grace the occasion. 

If you thought a curated music request was a bit odd, how about disco lights, club music and a kahoot quiz about the recently deceased? A concoction of those three elements would make M’s dream funeral.

A clear theme that runs through these answers is the attempt to celebrate life, in spite of the lack of it in the recently passed individual. 

This shift in mentality among the younger generation is heavily focused on presenting a more loving overview as opposed to simply confirming the fact that a person has passed.

At the end of the day, it’s a balancing act as the immediate and visceral emotional reaction to a farewell is often sorrow. A funeral that considers respecting one’s wishes and celebrating their individuality creates a more welcoming environment where people can come together to grief.

An elephant in the room is obviously the fact that no one is able to attend their own funeral. So, having a wishlist is all fine and well but turning it into reality is a different matter. Thus, planning ahead – and doing so with loved ones – is vital.

That’s where Advance Care Planning (ACP) comes in. It takes effect when you no longer have the mental capacity to express your preferences or make decisions and works as a safety net for your future health.

The first step to ACP begins with a personal chat with yourself. Is it longevity or quality of life that you seek? Do you have a preference for where you want to spend your last days? Share those thoughts with a loved one and have them know your wishes. Once you’ve hit that stage, formalise your preferences through ACP.

If you're in need of some inspiration, The Wishlist is the final instalment of a three-part film series from the Singapore Hospice Council (SHC). It shines a light on palliative care and challenges the notion that funerals can only be associated with grief and sadness.

The film focuses on respecting a dying individual's choices after they pass and how ACP can put the individual and their family at ease in case anything unexpected were to happen in future.

Apart from the film series, SHC has also created an interactive game that focuses on educating youths and young adults about palliative care.

Titled The Living Game, this role-play game maps out the journey of three characters – a youth patient, a caregiver, and a palliative care volunteer. Players are then tasked with making key decisions at different stages of the game, allowing them to learn about its various outcomes.

Once you’ve given the film and game a go, it might be time for a moment of self-reflection. Consider how it might apply to you now.

A good way to start is to write out messages to your loved ones, living or deceased. Be comfortable with feeling vulnerable. 

Once you've crossed that hurdle, a funeral wishlist may just be around the corner. 

READ ALSO: Reconciling relationships and respecting choices: How hospice care revitalised family ties for this 53-year-old Singaporean

This article is brought to you in partnership with Singapore Hospice Council.

amierul@asiaone.com

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